The Culture Cup Round 6 - new but not really improved

by Rowley Tue 01 Jul 2014, 10:26 am

First topic message reminder :

May be an age thing, but is Sean seriously saying he talks to people with his testicles out to see how long they take to notice? And that doing so is a laugh?

Never thought I would say this, but bring back National Service if so.

by **JuliusHMarx** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 1:41 pm

Who's sean?

by **seanmichaels** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 1:43 pm

Union Cane wrote:Have you suffered any injuries when playfully lobbing out your bollingtons then Sean?

No. The missus has clipped them once when she didn't find it funny. As we know a clip is usually as good as a direct hit for inflicting stomach pain. I did once nick my scrote with some clippers whilst manscaping. Took bloody ages to heal.

by **Union Cane** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 1:43 pm

quote wrote:
Rowley wrote:I'd personally like to be think I'd be remembered for my ability to accurately predict a bird's beaver definition.

Personally I like to remember you for your ongoing inability to master what is a very rudimentary quote function.

I'll second that.

[/unquote]

by **seanmichaels** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 1:52 pm

Rowley wrote:
seanmichaels wrote:I'd personally like to be think I'd be remembered for my ability to accurately predict a bird's beaver definition.

Your ongoing battle with booze is real. Personally I like to remember you for your ongoing inability to master what is a very rudimentary quote function.

I like a drink and it probably isn't doing me that much good in the long run but there are people more deserving of pity or concern than me........ Tino and his domestic abuse for example.

by **seanmichaels** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 1:53 pm

quote="quote"]

Rowley wrote:I'd personally like to be think I'd be remembered for my ability to accurately predict a bird's beaver definition.

Personally I like to remember you for your ongoing inability to master what is a very rudimentary quote function.

I'll second that.

[/unquote]

[/quote]
Bog off Cane.
[/quote]

by **rIck_dAgless** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 1:54 pm

Crikey, from an upbeat start to the day, this thread hasn't half turned melancholy.

by **Union Cane** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:01 pm

rick_dagless wrote:Crikey, from an upbeat start to the day, this thread hasn't half turned melancholy.

That reminds me, I was reading some Poe whilst I was away, which is both melancholy and cultural.

by **rIck_dAgless** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:04 pm

Union Cane wrote:That reminds me, I was reading some Poe whilst I was away, which is both melancholy and cultural.

Nicely brought round Union, which Poe were you reading?

by Guest Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:04 pm

seanmichaels wrote:
Union Cane wrote:Have you suffered any injuries when playfully lobbing out your bollingtons then Sean?

No. The missus has clipped them once when she didn't find it funny. As we know a clip is usually as good as a direct hit for inflicting stomach pain. I did once nick my scrote with some clippers whilst manscaping. Took bloody ages to heal.

A stern look can cause a man's balls to ache.

Anyway, as for playing lobbing out one's plums, I feel certain subsequent articles in the media will reveal that this is EXACTLY how Rolf Harris got started.

"I'm Jake the Peg with me extra leg.....Hmhuhhuh ha hmmhmmm hu hu aaaahhh ....Can you guess what it is yet?"
"No but I'm pretty certain it doesn't belong there Mr Harris"

by Guest Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:05 pm

seanmichaels wrote:
Union Cane wrote:Have you suffered any injuries when playfully lobbing out your bollingtons then Sean?

No. The missus has clipped them once when she didn't find it funny. As we know a clip is usually as good as a direct hit for inflicting stomach pain. I did once nick my scrote with some clippers whilst manscaping. Took bloody ages to heal.

A stern look can cause a man's balls to ache.

Anyway, as for playing lobbing out one's plums, I feel certain subsequent articles in the media will reveal that this is EXACTLY how Rolf Harris got started.

"I'm Jake the Peg with me extra leg.....Hmhuhhuh ha hmmhmmm hu hu aaaahhh ....Can you guess what it is yet?"
"No but I'm pretty certain it doesn't belong there Mr Harris"

by Rowley Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:05 pm

Union Cane wrote:
rick_dagless wrote:Crikey, from an upbeat start to the day, this thread hasn't half turned melancholy.

That reminds me, I was reading some Poe whilst I was away, which is both melancholy and cultural.

And as such has no place on here.

by **Union Cane** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:07 pm

rick_dagless wrote:
Union Cane wrote:That reminds me, I was reading some Poe whilst I was away, which is both melancholy and cultural.

Nicely brought round Union, which Poe were you reading?

Edgar Allan.

drumroll

by Guest Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:07 pm

Union Cane wrote:
rick_dagless wrote:Crikey, from an upbeat start to the day, this thread hasn't half turned melancholy.

That reminds me, I was reading some Poe whilst I was away, which is both melancholy and cultural.

That's probably a typo.
Union is an excre-mancer and was reading some POO which is definitely a solitary past time and as no-one else is remotely interested in joining him, he gets all aloof and believes himself superior thus (mistakenly) cultured

by **JuliusHMarx** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:07 pm

Union Cane wrote:
rick_dagless wrote:Crikey, from an upbeat start to the day, this thread hasn't half turned melancholy.

That reminds me, I was reading some Poe whilst I was away, which is both melancholy and cultural.

I prefer Dipsy or La-La myself.

by kingraf Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:11 pm

I thought he meant he was on a performance enhancing drug. When athletes take EPO, they say they're going to visit their good friend Poe.
..

by **seanmichaels** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:14 pm

kingraf wrote:I thought he meant he was on a performance enhancing drug. When athletes take EPO, they say they're going to visit their good friend Poe.
..

Have you read Tyler Hamilton's book? Great stuff. Couldn't put it down.

by kingraf Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:18 pm

Read excerpts from it, but I haven't read it yet. Might give it a look.

by **Union Cane** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:21 pm

I was reading a collection of short stories, I forget the exact nomenclature of the tome.

I will review a couple or three of them here, see if we can steer things back to culture.

There was one about a bloke who was on a ship then there was a howling tempest and he was suddenly on another ship, with a crew of ancient mariners that couldn't see him, stormy seas, eternal night etc, was it that they couldn't see him or he didn't want to be seen? Who knows. Bit weird that one.

Another one was about a chap who's wife had died and he had a terrible nightmare about gnashing teeth, then when he awoke he had (whilst asleep) dug up his wife and taken all her teeth out. Bit weird that one.

There was another about a man who's wife died in childbirth, then when his child grew up it looked exactly like his wife so he (as you would) dug up his wife to check that she was still there, but alas, she was not. Where was she? Who knows. Bit weird that one.

by **Union Cane** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:22 pm

Oh, I forgot, "spoilers".

by kingraf Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:25 pm

Whose short story was called "skin" or something similar? About a guy who has a tattoo which was ostensibly inked by a world famous artiste?

by **superflyweight** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:26 pm

Read The Pit and the Pendulum and The Masque of the Red Death when I was a teenager. Can't remember anything much about either of them. Bit weird that.

by kingraf Tue 01 Jul 2014, 2:26 pm

Quite liked that book and assortment of short stories.

by Guest Tue 01 Jul 2014, 3:06 pm

kingraf wrote:Whose short story was called "skin" or something similar? About a guy who has a tattoo which was ostensibly inked by a world famous artiste?

Don't know but I remember a short tv play where an old guy had a tattoo on his back by a famous artist. The old guy was dirt poor and an art dealer persuaded him to undergo surgery for a small fortune to have the tattoo removed so it could be displayed in a gallery. The final scene was this picture in a frame with a voiceover stating that the old man was never heard of again and checks revealed there was no such surgeon

by Rowley Tue 01 Jul 2014, 3:11 pm

superflyweight wrote:Read The Pit and the Pendulum and The Masque of the Red Death when I was a teenager. Can't remember anything much about either of them. Bit weird that.

Once watched the episode of The Simpsons based on The Raven.

by **seanmichaels** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 3:14 pm

Is the ancient mariner a short story? Had to read that at school.

by **superflyweight** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 3:50 pm

It's a poem, sean.

by **seanmichaels** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 3:56 pm

Not a good one then. Hit and miss ryhming....

by **Union Cane** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 4:01 pm

Poems don't have to rhyme
All the time
But it is much better if they do
Otherwise they are a bit poo

by **JuliusHMarx** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 4:12 pm

Union Cane wrote:Poems don't have to rhyme
All the time
But it is much better if they do
Otherwise they are a bit poo

I disagree
Free verse
Make rhyming
Seem worse

by Rowley Tue 01 Jul 2014, 4:13 pm

Reg Gutteridge starts every chapter of his autobiography with a line from the poem If by Kilping. Not particularly relevant or interesting, but how often do we get to combine both culture and sport in a post on here.

by Guest Tue 01 Jul 2014, 4:27 pm

seanmichaels wrote:Is the ancient mariner a short story? Had to read that at school.

IRON MAIDEN (capitals) did a song based on the poem...always good live as it goes on a bit and you can go for a pi$$ or a beer and not miss anything significant. Cynics might suggest you could avoid going to see IRON MAIDEN (capitals again) altogether and still not miss anything significant. Having seen IRON MAIDEN (Still with the capitals) I fully concur with that assessment.

by **Galted** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 5:35 pm

seanmichaels wrote:
Union Cane wrote:Have you suffered any injuries when playfully lobbing out your bollingtons then Sean?

No. The missus has clipped them once when she didn't find it funny. As we know a clip is usually as good as a direct hit for inflicting stomach pain. I did once nick my scrote with some clippers whilst manscaping. Took bloody ages to heal.

Mine once gave my b0ll0cks a good hard slap when she was riding me, on the assumption that it was a turn-on for me. She had the cheek to then be upset with me when I threw her off, screamed verbal abuse for a few seconds and rolled over into the foetal position to spend about 10 minutes groaning. She then changed her story and lied that she was trying to slap me on the arse and missed. I did consider asking her how the f*ck exactly she thought she was going to slap my arse when I was lying on my back but I was too frightened of another onslaught so I left it.

by **JuliusHMarx** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 5:43 pm

Galted wrote:
seanmichaels wrote:
Union Cane wrote:Have you suffered any injuries when playfully lobbing out your bollingtons then Sean?

No. The missus has clipped them once when she didn't find it funny. As we know a clip is usually as good as a direct hit for inflicting stomach pain. I did once nick my scrote with some clippers whilst manscaping. Took bloody ages to heal.

Mine once gave my b0ll0cks a good hard slap when she was riding me, on the assumption that it was a turn-on for me. She had the cheek to then be upset with me when I threw her off, screamed verbal abuse for a few seconds and rolled over into the foetal position to spend about 10 minutes groaning. She then changed her story and lied that she was trying to slap me on the arse and missed. I did consider asking her how the f*ck exactly she thought she was going to slap my arse when I was lying on my back but I was too frightened of another onslaught so I left it.

She did the same thing with me. They never learn.

by **Galted** Tue 01 Jul 2014, 6:14 pm

JuliusHMarx wrote:
Galted wrote:
seanmichaels wrote:
Union Cane wrote:Have you suffered any injuries when playfully lobbing out your bollingtons then Sean?

No. The missus has clipped them once when she didn't find it funny. As we know a clip is usually as good as a direct hit for inflicting stomach pain. I did once nick my scrote with some clippers whilst manscaping. Took bloody ages to heal.

Mine once gave my b0ll0cks a good hard slap when she was riding me, on the assumption that it was a turn-on for me. She had the cheek to then be upset with me when I threw her off, screamed verbal abuse for a few seconds and rolled over into the foetal position to spend about 10 minutes groaning. She then changed her story and lied that she was trying to slap me on the arse and missed. I did consider asking her how the f*ck exactly she thought she was going to slap my arse when I was lying on my back but I was too frightened of another onslaught so I left it.

She did the same thing with me. They never learn.

Sorry about that, Julius. I'm going to have a good chat with her tonight and this should ensure that your next turn with her is slap-free.

by kingraf Tue 01 Jul 2014, 7:45 pm

DAVE667 wrote:
kingraf wrote:Whose short story was called "skin" or something similar? About a guy who has a tattoo which was ostensibly inked by a world famous artiste?
Don't know but I remember a short tv play where an old guy had a tattoo on his back by a famous artist. The old guy was dirt poor and an art dealer persuaded him to undergo surgery for a small fortune to have the tattoo removed so it could be displayed in a gallery. The final scene was this picture in a frame with a voiceover stating that the old man was never heard of again and checks revealed there was no such surgeon

That's the one! Finally remembered its name Skin, by Roald Dahl

by **superflyweight** Wed 02 Jul 2014, 7:06 am

Morning all.

by **ShahenshahG** Wed 02 Jul 2014, 7:24 am

JuliusHMarx wrote:^ That's the new OP following the thread split.
Sean and his testicles preserved for posterity. Nice one Jeff!

Usually its Sean and his posterity preserved for testicles but I guess a man can change.

by **seanmichaels** Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:17 am

Yes, I'm coming down, your beauty is a colour surround
Into the half light, another velvet morning for me

And now I'm trying to tell you about this life of mine
Tongue is twisted man, more dead than alive
And my feelings, my feelings, they've been betrayed
And I was born a little damaged man and look what they made

He said, don't you find, that it's lonely??
You walked in alone and life is a game you've tried
And life is a game you're tired
And life is a game you've tried

by Mind the windows Tino. Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:20 am

Has anyone seen Walking with Monsters? Watched some of it last night with the violent one.

Basically, around 300 million years ago (just a smidge before Jules was born) they had massive arthropods. A early relative of the millipede as long as a car! As long as a f*cking car! I sh*t you not.

Dragonflys the size of eagles! The size of f*king eagles!

Giant scorpions with gills that lived underwater. Stings as big as a lampshade! As big as a f*cking lampshade!

Crazy world those kids inhabited.

by **superflyweight** Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:27 am

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:Has anyone seen Walking with Monsters? Watched some of it last night with the violent one.

Basically, around 300 million years ago (just a smidge before Jules was born) they had massive arthropods. A early relative of the millipede as long as a car! As long as a f*cking car! I sh*t you not.

Dragonflys the size of eagles! The size of f*king eagles!

Giant scorpions with gills that lived underwater. Stings as big as a lampshade! As big as a f*cking lampshade!

Crazy world those kids inhabited.

So did they have lampshades and cars back then?

by **JuliusHMarx** Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:29 am

seanmichaels wrote:Yes, I'm coming down, your beauty is a colour surround
Into the half light, another velvet morning for me

And now I'm trying to tell you about this life of mine
Tongue is twisted man, more dead than alive
And my feelings, my feelings, they've been betrayed
And I was born a little damaged man and look what they made

He said, don't you find, that it's lonely??
You walked in alone and life is a game you've tried
And life is a game you're tired
And life is a game you've tried

Everything all right sean?

by Mind the windows Tino. Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:30 am

superflyweight wrote:
Mind the windows Tino. wrote:Has anyone seen Walking with Monsters? Watched some of it last night with the violent one.

Basically, around 300 million years ago (just a smidge before Jules was born) they had massive arthropods. A early relative of the millipede as long as a car! As long as a f*cking car! I sh*t you not.

Dragonflys the size of eagles! The size of f*king eagles!

Giant scorpions with gills that lived underwater. Stings as big as a lampshade! As big as a f*cking lampshade!

Crazy world those kids inhabited.

So did they have lampshades and cars back then?

I don't believe so although there is loads left of the DVD to watch.

by **seanmichaels** Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:35 am

JuliusHMarx wrote:Everything all right sean?

Yep. Melancholy song but uplifting. Not going to do a Davidemore yet...

Filled in the manhole for my new poo pipe last night at which point the missus (apologetically) informed me that the s bend had to be underground. More work for thursday..... Then had a lovely 20 minute session of cutting out the non fruit bearing growth from my tomatoes with the missus. I don't think I've ever felt as close to her before.

by Mind the windows Tino. Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:39 am

seanmichaels wrote:

Filled in the manhole

Again.

by Rowley Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:40 am

Morning all.

by **seanmichaels** Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:41 am

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:
seanmichaels wrote:

Filled in the manhole

Again.

Tino, act your age and not your shoe size (UK).

by **JuliusHMarx** Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:42 am

seanmichaels wrote:Then had a lovely 20 minute session of cutting out the non fruit bearing growth from my tomatoes with the missus. I don't think I've ever felt as close to her before.

Not quite the pottery scene from Ghost, but close.

by **seanmichaels** Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:45 am

I watched Vikings again last night. Bloody good. I reckon if I went for the mohawk and had another weeks growth on the beard I could look like Ragnar. We have the same glazed blue eyes.

by Rowley Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:45 am

How are things on the tennis board today Julius on the back of Nadal's exit. Would have a look in for myself, but have not quite recovered from the half hour I spent on there last year. Who'd have thought such a polite sport would have such fiery fans.

by **seanmichaels** Wed 02 Jul 2014, 8:50 am

JuliusHMarx wrote:
seanmichaels wrote:Then had a lovely 20 minute session of cutting out the non fruit bearing growth from my tomatoes with the missus. I don't think I've ever felt as close to her before.

Not quite the pottery scene from Ghost, but close.

I think it bought her time although I'm supposed to be picking up my new glasses today from Hazel..... Got prescription sunnies for the first time so will be able to do some non-blurry nork watching at the beach on Monday. If I make it to France that is. Last time I went to France I ended up having to lash in the tunnel between the plane and the terminal.

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