RWC 2015 - The Joke Thread

[No9]

First topic message reminder :

How about some RWC humour...

In the great tradition of Rugby Club banter, how about some RWC jokes.

Only rule is, please no out right racist jokes. By this I mean jokes that laugh AT another minority instead of laughing with them.

This thread is supposed to bring some humour back and not attack others..

If you feel it will offend, then please leave now...

[maestegmafia]

Just come accross this.. its contagious..



https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=KHOu2JhvM90&app=desktop

Very funny

[Gwlad]

A horse walks into a bar

Barman says 'So, why the long face?"

Horse says " My fecking chariot's bust again"

[Pal Joey]

The RWC sponsors had organised a special photo shoot for the teams in the run up to the quarter finals and beyond. Every participating country had signed a contract with World Rugby stating that they understood severe punishment and penalties would apply if they sent less than 11 players to the planned media event.

At about 9pm the organisers decide to do the head count. To see who's there.

They walk up to Cheika and say "Only 10 players? Any reason for this?"

"Ahhh we've had a few injuries mate. Poey might be in trouble as far as we know. Izzy is only about 70% right with his foot now, Hoops is off with the eye specialist again, Foley is still seeing stars.... and there might be a little niggle with Fardy's groin..."

"That is quite bad and we feel sorry for you.. but unfortunately the contract clearly states a minimum of 11 players... so you'll have to pay the £10,000 fine we're afraid."

They then walk up to Gats.

"Don't tell me... I know. Just look at what I'm left with now? South Africa are always a huge challenge. Massive, giant pack with lots of beef up front, as we all know, and their backs are very, very dangerous... especially when they manage to get their hands on the ball...."

"OK, OK. That's enough Warren! We know it's going to be an uphill task for you to proceed any further without Halfpenny, JD, Webb, Liam Williams, Roberts, Amos, Jones, Walker, Allen, Scott William, etc... but you signed on knowing full well! We're sorry, but that's a £15,000 fine for you."

Lastly, there's Schmidt over in the corner all by himself... not a single Irish player in sight within the room. He's looking a little worried too.

"Suppose you're going to blame your team's horrific injury toll here tonight and the fact that you possibly have an even worse injury list than Wales... not to mention... some potential trouble looming for SOB in the coming days... right?

"No... not at all. There's still 15 minutes left in the match and the boys will be down at the tavern after that enjoying a few drinks. I felt that they had earned some time off and it was a pre-agreed deal I had with them if they beat France tonight..."
"They might be a little late... if you don't mind waiting... but they should be here around 11:30 if all goes to plan. If that's OK with you?"

[SecretFly]

A habit of going to the tavern and a few drinks for the players is allegedly a significant condition attached by the RFU before any potential new English coach is accepted by the board.

Joe again ahead of the game on modern tactics....

[maestegmafia]

A habit of going to the tavern and a few drinks for the players is allegedly a significant condition attached by the RFU before any potential new English coach is accepted by the board.

Joe again ahead of the game on modern tactics....

Maybe more than just a few Fly

[TightHEAD]

Is Henson fit?

[mr_stonelea]

At a press conference announcing new sponsors..

Fiji manager...we announce fuji as our new sponsors. .sounds a bit like Fiji.

Tonga manager. ..we announce Wonga as our new sponsors. ..sounds a bit like Tonga. .

Stuart. .does anyone have the phone number for Cupid Stunts?

[LordDowlais]

What do you call an English rugby fan with a bottle of champagne ?




Waiter.

[SecretFly]

You're going good so far, Lord. Don't jinx the boys now...

[LordDowlais]

You're going good so far, Lord.  Don't jinx the boys now...

I'm just adding the good one's I've been told. I have nothing against my neighbours to the east. For the most part they are all good people. Some of my best friends are English, and we always share the banter, it's my turn this time though.

[Cardiff Dave]

You're going good so far, Lord.  Don't jinx the boys now...

I'm just adding the good one's I've been told. I have nothing against my neighbours to the east. For the most part they are all good people. Some of my best friends are English, and we always share the banter, it's my turn this time though.

Not including Newport of course.

[R!skysports]

Here about the one where an Australian knees a Welshman in the chest - and does not get banned

Hilarious :-)

[RubyGuby]

Is Henson fit?

It depends which angle your coming from TightHead

[Gwlad]

Is Henson fit?

It depends which angle your coming from TightHead

I can't see what is wrong with Henson outside Roberts TBH.

He has experience and will handle the physicality. He is a specimen in terms of fitness. But i think it might be a Burgess. Selection of a player becuas of what he once did not what he does now; albeit in this case at least its the same sport.

[Cardiff Dave]

Haven't heard any proper ABs jokes yet which is a worry. Saving 'em up as usual for the French game I guess.

[Cardiff Dave]

Is Henson fit?

It depends which angle your coming from TightHead

Ooh!
Thumbs up too. A citable offence shewerly?

[Gwlad]

Burgess

[Biltong]

There has been reports of people being harassed at their workplace in Johannesburg.

So the SABC decides to interview the Polic commissioner about this scourge that has hit the city.

Reporter "Police chief, this harrassment has become a daily occurence, how is the public feeling about this?

Police Chief " Well, they are understandably unnerved and afraid, the economy has taken a hit because people refuse to come out of their houses, shopping centers have closed down as people avoid public places"

Reporter "Chief can you please tell us exactly what these perpetrators are doing?"

Chief " well they stomr into offices and public buildings with masks on"

Reporter "with what purpose? Do they rob people?"

Chief " No, they just scream


JAPAN

[SimonofSurrey]

Q: what do you call a Welshman holding up the RWC trophy?

A: ... (Sigh) I guess we'll just never know

[SecretFly]

All Blacks Sonny Bill walks into a low lit bar at night and sits down beside a beautiful looking woman.
"Hello, love", says Sonny a little nervously, "Can I maybe buy you a beer?"
The woman turns, her eyes distant and remote.  She scans him up and down and then pays him no heed.
Sonny Bill, being a bit of a cool dude, he doesn't get too rattled, just smiles slightly to himself.
"I didn't mean to be impolite there.  It's just that I thought it was a gentlemanly thing to do to ask?"
The woman looks over at him again and turns away again as quickly.  Tough Lady to breakdown.  
"I suppose you're not into Rugby Union?  I'm Sonny Bill Williams.  I'm a player with a pretty famous side called the All Blacks?......  Have you ever heard of them?"
The woman squints to better make out Sonny, shakes her head negatively and sighs at yet another intrusion.
"I'm kinda like you might call their savior of sorts.  I come in to do the offloads.  I'm kinda like a dark Ninja warrior kinda thing.....?   Doing the offloads..... the sexy ones.......... single handed.............. without looking at the guy I'm throwing to.......................... No?"
No... she ain't interested.  She sips from her glass, eyes firmly ahead, gazing into space.
"I'm a boxer too in my spare time.  Keeps me nimble and hungry in between my cameos with the offloading thing................................?  I only come in when they need me.......  I'm that good.......  That's a real skill, let me tell you.  The one handed offload without looking.  It's.... well, you know.  Not many people can pull that off.  You call it an 'offload'.  It's.... like I mean it's to double bluff the opposition into......... You have to be able to grip it, you know?  Hold onto it, don't let it slide out of your fingers, caress it, mould it, undress it, kiss on it a little, nibble on...............

"Jack!!!", shouts the woman finally to the lazybartender over at the other end of the bar.  Jack walks over, the effort of the stroll labouring the blinking of his dead, smokey eyes.
He looks at the woman, looks at Sonny, slightly smiles at Sonny, then back to the woman.
"Tell f**king Sonny Bill here", says the woman, "to go the f**K home and stop annoying me.  Tell him to take those damn satin sheets off the bed when he gets there.  Tell him he better not be wearing those lifts in his shoes again.  Tell him to take the f**king rose out of his pocket - the back one.  He's forgotten about it yet again and it's crushed - like it's always f**king crushed.  Tell Sonny Bill here that he forgets everything;  most especially our f**king anniversary every four f**king years.  Tell him I'll drink to our good health alone, like usual.  Tell him to put the dog out and tell him I don't want to see him back in here in five minutes telling me about his drop f**king goal in 2003. "

[R!skysports]

The citing commission

But just not a funny one

[Biltong]

Q: what do you call a Welshman holding up the RWC trophy?

A: ... (Sigh) I guess we'll just never know

The engraver.

[SecretFly]

Q: What do you call an Irishman holding up the Webb Ellis?

A: Wanted

[Guest]

Q. How many elephants can you fit in the RFU's trophy cabinet?

A. Just the one.

[mikey_dragon]

Q: what do you call a Welshman holding up the RWC trophy?

A: ... (Sigh) I guess we'll just never know

The engraver.

Sam Warburton.

[ME-109]

Q: what do you call a Welshman holding up the RWC trophy?

A: ... (Sigh) I guess we'll just never know

The engraver.

Sam Warburton.

Prince William?

[Guest]

A juicy red tomato was explaining to Robshaw why England should have taken the 3 points. Robshaw was flabbergasted with what he was hearing and didn't want to believe it. A talking tomato!!

[Cardiff Dave]

Q: what do you call a Welshman holding up the RWC trophy?

The defendant.

[Cardiff Dave]

Q: what do you call a Welshman holding up the RWC trophy?

A: ... (Sigh) I guess we'll just never know

The engraver.

Sam Warburton.

Prince William?

Carling is English mun!

[Cardiff Dave]

Q: What do you call an Irishman holding up the Webb Ellis?

Paul?

[mikey_dragon]

English man walks into a bar. There's normally a Scotsman, Welshman and an irish man too. But they still at the Rugby World Cup.

[BamBam]

English man walks into a bar. There's normally a Scotsman, Welshman and an irish man too. But they still at the Rugby World Cup.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KBWuDhIv9B0

[Cardiff Dave]

A stereotypical Welsh rugby fan walks into a bar.....

[mikey_dragon]

English man walks into a bar. There's normally a Scotsman, Welshman and an irish man too. But they still at the Rugby World Cup.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KBWuDhIv9B0

[SecretFly]

English man walks into a bar. There's normally a Scotsman, Welshman and an irish man too. But they still at the Rugby World Cup.

Barman asks:  "Where's the other three idiots that's usually with you?"
Englishman answers: "I know, I know... always hovering around me like flies.  Well, the Scotsman isn't in the mood for a drink because the citing commission is against him and his kin"
Barman asks:  "What's a citing commission?"
Englishman:  "I'm coming to that.  The Welshman isn't here because he's celebrating winning the thing..... prematurely......again."
Barman: "What thing?  What are you on about?  You're making no sense."
Englishman:  "The Rugby World Cup!  We're hosting it.  England.  We were in it.  We're out of it now.  Haven't you heard anything about it?"
Barman:  "No, I'm a darts man myself.  So what happened?  Why are we out?"
Englishman:  "I'm coming to that.  You're rushing me.  The Irish schidt isn't here because he's away on business."
Barman:  "I was certain he's been an unemployable drunk for years.  What does he do?"
Englishman:  "He sets the whole thing up.  Runs the show from top to bottom.  From refs to TMOs to citing officers.  They all answer to him."
Barman: "Oh!  So that's obvious then, innit?  It's why we were kicked out early and why the Scots are in trouble with the sighting mission........... But how come he's still letting the Welsh think they'll win it?"
Englishman: "Because he doesn't want to hurt their feelings when they don't."
Barman:  "Yeah well............. but that's silly.  They're bound to find out sometime."
Englishman:  "You think?  And why do you think the Welshman has been buying all our drinks for the last 28 years?  Paddy is maybe always drunk.  But Taff is always paying."

[mikey_dragon]

Very good Fly . I particularly liked how you brought the Irish illuminati conspiracy theory into it.

[Golden]

[Biltong]

Some excellent jokes here guys, good to see we can laugh at ourselves even when things go down the toilet.

[Guest]

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt mate

[fa0019]

what do you call the semi-finals of the RWC... the rugby championship.

[Cyril]

Q: what do you call a Welshman holding up the RWC trophy?

A: ... (Sigh) I guess we'll just never know

The engraver.

Sam Warburton.

Poor Sam

[nobbled]

An Englishman walks into a bar - usually there's a Scotsman and an Irishman but they're still at the World Cup.


At least the Welshman can keep him company now....

[Cyril]

An Englishman walks into a bar - usually there's a Scotsman and an Irishman but they're still at the World Cup.


At least the Welshman can keep him company now....

I would imagine the other two will be joining the lock-in tomorrow

[Cyril]

what do you call the semi-finals of the RWC... the rugby championship.

That's funny, because it's true!

I think we'll be wondering about the size of the SH/NH gap again after this tournament. Just as we thought the bigger sides were getting beatable it's now probably going to be a SH 'Big Four' with the rest of us playing catch!

Actually, I take that back. It's not funny, it's depressing!

[Rugby Fan]

I think we'll be wondering about the size of the SH/NH gap again after this tournament.

Ot's a conversation which has perhaps been delayed eight years by the turn-up results of the 2007 World Cup quarter finals. New Zealand were supposed to beat France, and Australia beat England. If they had, then we would have seen a Rugby Championship semi-final back then.

[kingraf]

To be fair, The SH dominance is probably just one of those things. Despite having about 15% of the global population, it has 5/11 cricket world cups. 9/20 Fifa world cups. 6/7 rugger world cups. Seems to punch above its weight

[whocares]

To be fair, The SH dominance is probably just one of those things. Despite having about 15% of the global population, it has 5/11 cricket world cups. 9/20 Fifa world cups. 6/7 rugger world cups. Seems to punch above its weight

If it wasnt in the joke thread I would be tempted to answer that seriously but It is hardly worth it. Maybe start counting olympic gold medals if you need a clue

[kingraf]

A 5.6 billion person advantage helps out in the Olympics.

[Marshes]

To be fair, The SH dominance is probably just one of those things. Despite having about 15% of the global population, it has 5/11 cricket world cups. 9/20 Fifa world cups. 6/7 rugger world cups. Seems to punch above its weight

100% of the worlds Dingoes and Dingo related incidents

[Pal Joey]

A 5.6 billion person advantage helps out in the Olympics.  

SA still should have more gold medals though. Australia are carrying the SH lion's share in that department. Lift your game!

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