RWC 2015 - The Joke Thread

[No9]

How about some RWC humour...

In the great tradition of Rugby Club banter, how about some RWC jokes.

Only rule is, please no out right racist jokes. By this I mean jokes that laugh AT another minority instead of laughing with them.

This thread is supposed to bring some humour back and not attack others..

If you feel it will offend, then please leave now...

[maestegmafia]

Did you know that none of the English rugby team are strong swimmers.

[Scottrf]

Can't even get out of the pool! Boom boom.

[No9]

Q: What do Chris Huhne and Chris Robshaw have in common.
A: On reflection they both wish they'd just taken 3 points

----------------

Guy walks down the street and sees a brand new English rugby shirt in a plastic bag. Turns to his friend "Look that’s ridiculous…they cost 5p now!"

----------------

England are out of the Rugby World Cup. Sponsors VW are said to be fuming.

[No9]

Stories continue to appear about "BaaBaa" the sheep that can predict the outcome of the rugby world cup matches. Most teams and players have laughed it off as "harmless fun."

However Warren Gatland has said the Welsh are said to be fully behind him.

Spoiler:

[No9]

The Pope was cruising along a beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off-shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 30 foot shark.

As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Welsh, Irish and Scottish rugby jerseys. The Scotsman quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the hapless English fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned all three to see him, 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred between the Celts and England rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his mates, 'Who was that?'

'It was the Pope,' one replied. 'He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom.'

'Well,' the harpooner said, 'he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK? Or do we need to get another Englishman?'

[Guest]

A man goes to a brothel and says, " I have £40-00 will you humiliate me."

The Madam replies, "Here put on this England shirt!"

[RubyGuby]

I find this sort of thing distasteful and disrespectful

[Barney McGrew did it]

It's quite funny for sure. But it'll get funnier next weekend and hilarious the weekend after.

[LordDowlais]

I put this one on another thread:-

My mate has just phoned me. He said he was walking down the high street in Bristol and he found a carrier bag with a brand new England jersey inside it.

I said to him how mad the English were, do they realise they have to pay 5p for those bags now.

[Biltong]

15 Japanese walk into a bar "Herro prease, anyone for a game of rugby?"

15 South Africans crawl out the back door

[Breadvan]

I'm on a few rugby social media pages and the England jokes and memes over the past week has been relentless. You gotta laugh or you'd go crackers...

[Golden]

What's the difference between England and a tea bag?



A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

[kiakahaaotearoa]

The English team walks into a bar.

[majesticimperialman]

I should not tell this one, but here it goes.

Chris Robshaw.

We all ways back our selves at home.

[maestegmafia]

15 Japanese walk into a bar "Herro prease, anyone for a game of rugby?"

15 South Africans crawl out the back door

I saw a photo of the springbok front row set ready to go for a scrum, with Bismark Du Plessis looking up at the sky.

The caption was "dear god, please don't teach Japan to play cricket"!

[kiakahaaotearoa]

(No, wait there's more.)

The barman says: Wallaby gents?

The entire English team groans and proceeds to walk out dejectedly.

[Cyril]

Chris Robshaw walks into a bar. He's feeling a bit nervous following the World Cup exit, but the clientele greet him warmly, telling him he gave his best and not to worry.

“Pint, Chris?” asks one.
“Cheers, mate,” he replies.
“Have one on me,” says a second.
“Get another for him,” pipes up a third.

Robshaw smiles broadly and gives his thanks, telling the guys he’ll just go and phone his girlfriend to say he’ll be home late. Unfortunately he can’t get much of a reception so takes a wander round the block. Eventually, after many attempts, he manages to get through and returns find the pub in darkness and realises it’s after closing time.

The moral of the story is you probably should take the three pints when they’re offered.

[Artful_Dodger]

The Telegraph has suggested that Eddie O'Sullivan is in the running to be the next England Head Coach - whether or not this is a joke I do not know, but it probably should be.

[Cyril]

The Telegraph has suggested that Eddie O'Sullivan is in the running to be the next England Head Coach - whether or not this is a joke I do not know, but it probably should be.

I'd rather Ronnie O'Sullivan. At least he would know what to do now that England need snookers to get out of the pool.

[Biltong]

15 Japanese walk into a bar "Herro prease, anyone for a game of rugby?"

15 South Africans crawl out the back door

I saw a photo of the springbok front row set ready to go for a scrum, with Bismark Du Plessis looking up at the sky.

The caption was "dear god, please don't teach Japan to play cricket"!

I have a couple of very nice ones about the Japanese, but somehow can't get them on here.

One says " during the week we eat sushi, on saturdays we eat Springbok"

[kiakahaaotearoa]

Ewen McKenzie walks into the RFU for a job interview. Rob Andrew gets on the phone to his PA: "That Link you sent me is not working."

[Blueschief]

Cuthbert scoring three tries on Saturday

[Biltong]

Cuthbert scoring three tries on Saturday

Cuthbert completing 3 tackles

[Guest]

England team photo

For the 2015 RWC quarter final

Just jokes

[MacKnocked-on]

During his first training session as Stuart Lancaster's replacement, the new England coach says to the players;
'Ok guys, to help me familiarise myself with the squad I'd like you all to assume your normal positions on the field'
So they all went behind the posts to wait for the conversion...

[Biltong]

Hehehe

[Biltong]

I hope next time we play Japan and the referee says get ready before he blows the whistle to start the match we don't all turn around and bend over

[TightHEAD]

Gatlands record vs SH opposition.

[fa0019]

Joe Marler's haircut... bet he regrets that after being the first English prop to be marched by aussies. What a plank.

[TightHEAD]

Agreed, but just wait until you see Jack Nowells hair

[RubyGuby]

Agreed, but just wait until you see Jack Nowells hair

I just think poor Jack just got it wrong when Lancaster told him to work on his conditioning - Easy mistake, my lads do it all the time

[21st Century Schizoid Man]

Joe Marler's haircut... bet he regrets that after being the first English prop to be marched by aussies. What a plank.

You should have put a full stop after Marler !

[Cyril]

Stuart Hogg's attempt at dive wasn't particularly funny, but Nigel Owens humiliating him certainly was!

[SecretFly]

Bad show by Nigel to make fun of the sport that was hosting his World Cup game.... the rotter!

Seriously though, I'm surprised he got away with that from the football media journalists.............. proof positive that none of them are watching....

[Cyril]

Bad show by Nigel to make fun of the sport that was hosting his World Cup game.... the rotter!

Seriously though, I'm surprised he got away with that from the football media journalists.............. proof positive that none of them are watching....

Indeed. Moments like that show rugby's moral high ground to be a built on pretty poor foundations. Hogg is a proper twit anyway.

[wales606]

Chris Robshaw walks into a bar. He's feeling a bit nervous following the World Cup exit, but the clientele greet him warmly, telling him he gave his best and not to worry.

“Pint, Chris?” asks one.
“Cheers, mate,” he replies.
“Have one on me,” says a second.
“Get another for him,” pipes up a third.

Robshaw smiles broadly and gives his thanks, telling the guys he’ll just go and phone his girlfriend to say he’ll be home late. Unfortunately he can’t get much of a reception so takes a wander round the block. Eventually, after many attempts, he manages to get through and returns find the pub in darkness and realises it’s after closing time.

The moral of the story is you probably should take the three pints when they’re offered.

[Cardiff Dave]

Gatlands record vs SH opposition.

Contracted till after 2019 RWC too.

[Cardiff Dave]

England team photo

For the 2015 RWC quarter final

Just jokes

Gonna need a bigger telly soon to fit in all the Brits.

[Guest]

Following England's unfortunate performance in the Rugby World Cup, it has been revealed that some players were unhappy with a sponsor's restriction on their choice of headphones. This is a joke right?

[dallym]

Following England's early exit, Steve Hansen and Richie McCaw go around to the English team hotel to comfort Stuart Lancaster.

"But how do you stay so successful?" asks Lancaster, whilst crying.

"It's easy," says Shag. "It's all about having smart players. Watch this."

Hansen calls over McCaw.

"Richie, who is the son of your father, but isn't your brother?"

"That's too simple," smiles Richie, "it's me!"

"See Stu. It's all about smart players"


***

Lancaster decides to test out Hansen's theory. He goes to Sam Burgess's room.

"Hey Sammy," he asks, "who's the son of your father, but isn't your brother?"

"I dunno coach," mumbles Burgess, after he had thought about it for a few minutes.

"Well ponder it tonight, and I'll ask again at breakfast tomorrow," says Lancaster.

That evening Burgess thinks and thinks but can't find the answer. He decides to call Sonny Bill Williams, his old mate from his rugby league days. SBW will know the answer.

"Hey Sonny!" says Burgess. "Who's the son of your father, but isn't your brother?"

"Too easy cuz! It's me!!" laughs Sonny-Bill.


****

At breakfast the next day Sam Burgess heads over to see Lancaster. Lancaster repeats the question.

"Sam. Who's the son of your father, but isn't your brother?"

"It's too easy. I can't believe I couldn't figure it out earlier. It's Sonny-Bill Williams!!"


.....


.....



......



.......



"No you bloody idiot," yells Stuart Lancaster. "The answer is Richie McCaw!"

[Rugby Fan]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1vJ1T7DeDU

[Guest]

That was a pretty good one dallym. I laughed, but not too loud. Out of respect

[Cyril]

I'm waiting for the usual NZ excuses. They're normally vaguely amusing/pathetic.

Get some good ones this time, guys!

[Guest]

Excuses for what Cyril?

Getting knocked out of a RWC?

ps. I may add, you guys 'on here' are taking it well so respect for that. It sucks, we've been there, it's horrible but the Phoenix rises perhaps.

[Scottrf]

The things you endure when you support your country, rather than just pick an international team you like.

[RubyGuby]

I've just thought of this one all by myself:

Robshaw and Wood walk into a bakers - Fella behind the counter recognises them and says "I guess you two will be wanting some turnovers"

[R!skysports]

The Welsh team were playing England at Twickenham and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Gareth Edwards getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Gareth to go out on his own.

“No worries,” Gareth told them, “I’ll join you later and tell you what happened.” After the game Gareth headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.

“What!” said a furious Ray Gravell, “How did you let them get three points?” Gareth replied apologetically: “I was sent off with 20 minutes to go.”

[lostinwales]

Q: What do Chris Huhne and Chris Robshaw and Sam Warburton have in common.
A: On reflection they both wish they'd just taken 3 points

Had to be done..

[No9]

Just come accross this.. its contagious..



https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=KHOu2JhvM90&app=desktop

[Sponsored content]