The Ten Greatest Scenes Never

First topic message reminder :

I've developed a habit when watching films of wondering how I would have improved them rather than just enjoying the story unfolding in front of me. It started as small changes to dialogue but now involves cutting or replacing entire scenes in my mind. Here are 10 non-existent scenes which would've dramatically improved the films in question.

1 – Home Alone – the scene where the burglars have had enough of being outwitted by a kid & set the house on fire, then watch through a window as the smile on the smug little tw@ts face disappears

2* – Lord of the Rings – the scene where Frodo tires of p1ssing about in slow-motion & Sam tires of whining & reminiscing about the Shire & they get it on Brokeback Mountain style in the hills overlooking Mordor while Sauron's eye does a double-take then gets wider & wider

3* – Lord of the Rings – the scene where Arwen's had enough of her annoying perfect elf pout & doing stylish perfect elf things to annoying perfect moody elf music & drops her guts or shoves a tampon up her snatch

4* – Lord of the Rings – the scene where Gimli gets sufficiently annoyed with Legolas's stupid faux-poetry & hacks him to pieces

*The Making of the Real Lord of the Rings (not, strictly speaking, a film but a documentary (and not, strictly speaking, actually in existence)) - the scene where Guillermo del Toro slits Peter Jackson's throat & takes over the responsibility of filming the trilogy thus making it frightening enough for younger viewers to need therapy & competent enough for older viewers to be able to enjoy repeat viewings without realising how bad the dialogue really is & without feeling sorry for the orcs for their tragic campness

5 – Silence of the Lambs – the scene where Clarice gets annoyed with the insults of the ungrateful girl in the pit & wastes her

6 – Any Will Ferrell or Will Smith film – the scene where Will's character gets shot in the face (for shot you can substitute kicked, stabbed, headbutted, bitten etc)

7 – Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Stone – the scene where Ron accidentally Tasers Hermione & she soils herself leading to much awkwardness

8 – Babe: Pig in the City – the bacon sandwich/pork scratchings/hawaiian pizza scene

9 – Any Eddie Murphy film – the scene where Eddie doesn't play a fat black woman/old white man/middle-aged oriental woman/4-year-old Albanian conjoined twins etc & plays a forty/fifty something-year-old black man with a slightly annoying yet endearing laugh

10 – Shawshank Redemption – the scene where Tommy's exam results arrive after he's been killed & it turns out that he failed dismally due to being so thick he's borderline retarded

& a bonus one…
ET – the scene where the government capture the little runt & subject him to a series of painful experiments

Predator - Woman goes to pick up gun and Arnie say's "NO...It didn't kill you cause you weren't armed".....

A moments pause........."What the f**k are we doing carrying these things for then??......Here look Mr Predator we are putting our guns on the floor"

The Warriors - They take a cab home.

Hamlet - While the usurper Claudius kneels in prayer Hamlet kills him.

The Sound of Music - Instead of climbing every mountain they take the train.

Catch-22 - Yossarian bails out over neutral Switzerland.

any horror film whatsoever- the women doesn't go to investigate what the strange noise was

saw- the guy on the floor sneezes

usual suspects - when they realise that pete postlethwaite character could never be japenese

300 - the persians invite the spartans in for tea, biscuits and a game of footy

Breakfast at Tiffany's - Not finding "Cat" in the alley in the rain, Holly steps back into the taxi and splits for South America, carrying on with her desperate life of hustling (SPOILER ALERT: this is how the book actually ends.)