The Ten Greatest Scenes Never

I've developed a habit when watching films of wondering how I would have improved them rather than just enjoying the story unfolding in front of me. It started as small changes to dialogue but now involves cutting or replacing entire scenes in my mind. Here are 10 non-existent scenes which would've dramatically improved the films in question.

1 – Home Alone – the scene where the burglars have had enough of being outwitted by a kid & set the house on fire, then watch through a window as the smile on the smug little tw@ts face disappears

2* – Lord of the Rings – the scene where Frodo tires of p1ssing about in slow-motion & Sam tires of whining & reminiscing about the Shire & they get it on Brokeback Mountain style in the hills overlooking Mordor while Sauron's eye does a double-take then gets wider & wider

3* – Lord of the Rings – the scene where Arwen's had enough of her annoying perfect elf pout & doing stylish perfect elf things to annoying perfect moody elf music & drops her guts or shoves a tampon up her snatch

4* – Lord of the Rings – the scene where Gimli gets sufficiently annoyed with Legolas's stupid faux-poetry & hacks him to pieces

*The Making of the Real Lord of the Rings (not, strictly speaking, a film but a documentary (and not, strictly speaking, actually in existence)) - the scene where Guillermo del Toro slits Peter Jackson's throat & takes over the responsibility of filming the trilogy thus making it frightening enough for younger viewers to need therapy & competent enough for older viewers to be able to enjoy repeat viewings without realising how bad the dialogue really is & without feeling sorry for the orcs for their tragic campness

5 – Silence of the Lambs – the scene where Clarice gets annoyed with the insults of the ungrateful girl in the pit & wastes her

6 – Any Will Ferrell or Will Smith film – the scene where Will's character gets shot in the face (for shot you can substitute kicked, stabbed, headbutted, bitten etc)

7 – Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Stone – the scene where Ron accidentally Tasers Hermione & she soils herself leading to much awkwardness

8 – Babe: Pig in the City – the bacon sandwich/pork scratchings/hawaiian pizza scene

9 – Any Eddie Murphy film – the scene where Eddie doesn't play a fat black woman/old white man/middle-aged oriental woman/4-year-old Albanian conjoined twins etc & plays a forty/fifty something-year-old black man with a slightly annoying yet endearing laugh

10 – Shawshank Redemption – the scene where Tommy's exam results arrive after he's been killed & it turns out that he failed dismally due to being so thick he's borderline retarded

& a bonus one…
ET – the scene where the government capture the little runt & subject him to a series of painful experiments

James Bond Diamonds are forever - The scene when Ernst Blofeld stroking his cat says ''I'v been expecting you Mr Bond''

And James Bond forgeting himself walks up to Blofeld and say's

''Oh what a lovely Cat, whats his name''

''His names snowy'' - Blofeld

''Oh can I stroke him'' - Bond

''yes of course, he loves that'' Blofeld

''Hay little fella, hay you like that, there you go'' Bond

Galted wrote:

3* – Lord of the Rings – the scene where Arwen's had enough of her annoying perfect elf pout & doing stylish perfect elf things to annoying perfect moody elf music & drops her guts or shoves a tampon up her snatch

I don't if it says more about me or you, but that is quite possibly the funniest thing I have read on here.

11* - Aliens - The scene when Hicks gets annoyed with Hudson wailing like a teenage girl, puts his M41A Pulse Rifle in Hudson's mouth, pulls the trigger and blows his brains out all over Newt's face.

Is that the spirit?

that's the way chaps - I have a vision of a 606 v2 film studio that will render Hollywood obsolete

Spiderman - The scene when Spidey runs out of web.... Cut to next scene of Spiday waiting at a bus stop.

Basic Instinct - the scene where the entire film is replaced by Sharon Stone and another chick going down on each other.*

* Copyright Bill Hicks.

Waterworld - The scene where Kevin Costner gets so p!ssed off with that girl that has basically stowed away on his boat, that he picks the annoying little sh!t up and clubs Jeanne Tripplehorn's character to death with her.

From dusk till dawn - the scene when Clooney and co walk into the titty twister stripper bar but instead of strippers they turn out to be blood sucking vampires who feast on the customers.

Jaws 2............After the shak bites the cable...Brody gets lynched when there is no power on the island..

Scarface - The scene when Steven Bauer's sympathetically acted character of Manny gets so fed up with Al Pacino's ridiculously over-egged portrayal of Tony Montana that he switches sides and gets Frank Lopez to shoot Tony in the back of head, just after he has walked in on Gina, Tony's sister, sitting on Manny's face with no knickers on.

Am I thinking too deeply about this?

Why not just have Pfeiffer shooting the lot of them and then doing suggestive naked dances for the rest of the film whilst shouting "Let me introduce you to my little friend"

TRUSSMAN66 wrote:Why not just have Pfeiffer shooting the lot of them and then doing suggestive naked dances for the rest of the film whilst shouting "Let me introduce you to my little friend"

Oddly enough I thought of quite a few films that could've done with Michelle Pfeiffer being naked.

TRUSSMAN66 wrote:Why not just have Pfeiffer shooting the lot of them and then doing suggestive naked dances for the rest of the film whilst shouting "Let me introduce you to my little friend"

That reminds me.

The Wicker Man - Britt Eklund's character drowns Woodwards the minute he steps off the boat and then spends the rest of the film dancing naked (with Pfeiffer if possible) around Summerisle. The real Britt Eklund as well, not the body double they used.

They want to remake it with Simon Cowell in the lead role.....

"We'll light it and they'll we'll get you out, honest!!"

Titanic
---------

Probably speaking for a lot of guys that I've probably had to suffer through this movie more times than any movie I like.......

Every month or so I'll venture into the lounge on a saturday night and she'll have this sentimental crud playing whilst watching with her weepy face....


..and every month or so he'll be hanging on to the iceberg and I transport myself on to said Iceberg and slowly place my foot on the top of his head and push him down to the icy depths of the Atlantic never to be seen again...........

Harrison Ford gets crushed by that rolling rock

TRUSSMAN66 wrote:Titanic
---------

Probably speaking for a lot of guys that I've probably had to suffer through this movie more times than any movie I like.......

Every month or so I'll venture into the lounge on a saturday night and she'll have this sentimental crud playing whilst watching with her weepy face....


..and every month or so he'll be hanging on to the iceberg and I transport myself on to said Iceberg and slowly place my foot on the top of his head and push him down to the icy depths of the Atlantic never to be seen again...........

The "I'm flying" scene on the prow of the ship should be replaced with one where he inadvertently knocks her overboard then nonchalantly walks back to his cabin & pretends he hasn't seen her.

Star Trek The Motion Picture - the scene where Kirk celebrates his return to the Enterprise by getting a new wig fitted

Die Hard - the opening scene where Bruce Willis is out shopping for vests.

Not a movie but everytime I was a kid I'd see the same guy with silver hair and a moustache murdering someone in Colombo........

Always had the idea I'd look in the TV listings one day....and It would say 8pm Colombo...8.05 News etc..and I'd think there must be some mistake!!

Then it starts and he goes "You again..escaped have you" and the credits would come up!!

Once watched "Columbo" and Robert Culp was in two episodes playing a completely different criminal having committed a completely different crime. Somehow Columbo didn't twig it was the guy he'd arrested a fortnight ago!

What about the scene in Blade where the clocks go forward and he forgets to adjust his watch? He steps outside thinking he's got an hour to get home and...whoops!

GODFATHER - the racehorse owner wakes up surrounded by fish heads, cut to a Henchman being berated by Brando screaming "No No No No NO, how many more times do I have to explain it?"

Superman and Lois Lane were lovers right?

So Superman gave her some super d**k???

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS - Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder indulge is some heavy petty which goes very wrong and makes A Nightmare on Elm street look like Snow White

DIRTY HARRY - "Oh b*ll*cks, I did fire six shots...heeeelllllllp!"

Thelma and Louise - the one that's supposed to drive the car off the cliff at the end stalls the engine and the pair of them sit looking confused whilst a stream of angry drivers beep their horns.

The Thing
------------

When that dog runs into the camp at the beginning with those Norwegians chasing it....One of the Americans shoots the thing dead.....

..and then we see the Americans and Norwegians swapping humorous stories around a fire and drinking Bud for the next 90 minutes!!!

Hamlet's soliloquy shot from the rear....camera pans round to show Jason Statham.

Slayer the movie

The part when the thrash/black metal band realise they are being stalked by a midgit blad man going by the name DAVE who has 667 printed on his head.

ONETWOFOREVER wrote:Slayer the movie

The part when the thrash/black metal band realise they are being stalked by a midgit blad man going by the name DAVE who has 667 printed on his head.

Aah, "The attack of the 6ft midget" Classic film

I'm not even going to take issue with the fact you've referred to SLAYER as a black metal band. Often no need to point out your stupidity as you generally save me the time...as you've done here.

Vampire the Buffet Slayer - Christopher Lee turns up at weddings and eats all the food!

DAVE667 wrote:

ONETWOFOREVER wrote:Slayer the movie

The part when the thrash/black metal band realise they are being stalked by a midgit blad man going by the name DAVE who has 667 printed on his head.

Aah, "The attack of the 6ft midget" Classic film

I'm not even going to take issue with the fact you've referred to SLAYER as a black metal band. Often no need to point out your stupidity as you generally save me the time...as you've done here.

A bit of friday funt

ONETWOFOREVER wrote:

DAVE667 wrote:

ONETWOFOREVER wrote:Slayer the movie

The part when the thrash/black metal band realise they are being stalked by a midgit blad man going by the name DAVE who has 667 printed on his head.

Aah, "The attack of the 6ft midget" Classic film

I'm not even going to take issue with the fact you've referred to SLAYER as a black metal band. Often no need to point out your stupidity as you generally save me the time...as you've done here.

A bit of friday funt

TWUNT

The scene where Spartacus stands up and says "I'm Spartacus!" and everyone else says "yep, that's Spartacus, he's the c**t you want".

The Passion of the Christ - The bit at the end where Jim Caviezel's bloodied, tortured and crucified Jesus starts singing "Always look on the bright side of life"

Mind the windows Tino. wrote:The Passion of the Christ - The bit at the end where Jim Caviezel's bloodied, tortured and crucified Jesus starts singing "Always look on the bright side of life"

Or the bit at the end of Life Of Brian where Brian gets a sword thrust through him and dies a bloody death before he starts singing and everyone leaves the cinema a bit confused at the downbeat ending.

Die Hard - from about the 30 minute mark of the film

The scenes every 10 or so minutes were John McClain washes his vest to avoid continuity shots

Top Gun

Maverick and Goose ... " I feel the need ..................the need for Speed "

cut to the next scene where they are in the aircraft hanger hyperactively bouncing off walls while shouting i'm better the Iceman

Speed - Sandra Bullock's bus doesn't show up. She catches the next available bus and is 30 minutes late for work.

Connie in the godfather, where she goes running up to johnny fontane, he punches her in the face and runs away with her purse

every single movie in the history of the earth should have arnie randomly screaming to Satan that he's a choirboy

Every Keanu reeves movie should show his face being sanded into an appropriate expression between each scene

In The Matrix, Neo takes the Blue Pill and goes back to work.

In Alien, they ignore the "distress call" & don't bother landing on LV-426, and instead there's 2 hours aboard an incredibly boring deep space mining vessel.

At the start of "Christine", Arnie Cunningham looks at the old car & says "It's a piece of sh!t" and doesn't bother buying it.

Leonardo Di Caprio doesn't win the poker game at the start of Titanic, and we don't have to watch an incredibly irritating and unlikely character worm his way into Kate Winslet's expensive Edwardian underwear. Instead, it's a James Cameron action film about how a big badly built boat sinks after hitting an iceberg.

The Terrminator. Once they've sent Kyle Reese through using the time displacement equipment, the scene focusses on the rest of the Rebels coming up with interesting ways of altering history with unusual consequences.

In Escape to Victory...........Michael Caine has eleven men behind the ball to stop Germany playing and leaves with a 0-0 draw.......

No euphoric crowd invasion but a respected round of applause when they return back to the prison camp!!

In "A fistful of Dollars" Ramon's old Mexican proverb is proven correct at the end of the film.

In "12 Angry Men" they wrapped it up with a majority decision in about 5 minutes and no one was angry.

MediaCat wrote:
In "12 Angry Men" they wrapped it up with a majority decision in about 5 minutes and no one was angry.

Or Lee J Cobb persuades Henry Fonda to stop being a liberal pu$$y and accept that the kid was bang to rights. (Would be a pity, as it is my all time favourite film).

Airplane - Stryker can't get a ticket for the flight, so just returns to his taxi, apologises to the passenger and drives him to his destination. He later hears of a catastrophic plane crash with no survivors.

The Shawshank Redemption - The chief witness in Andy's trial is deemed unreliable and the whole case collapses. Andy never goes to Shawshank and lives his whole life a free man. Red, on the other hand, dies an old man in prison, never being granted parole.

Nightmare on Elm street. - Vigilantes capture child murderer Freddie Krueger but fearful of being sued for unlawful assault, si,ply perform q citizen's arrest and hand him over to the authorities.

He remains in a cushy mental institute at the taxpayers expense for several years whilst a phalanx of wishy washy psychologists establish that he was probably abused as a child himself and is actually the victim in all this.

Freddie is taken to Court where all charges are dropped and the Judge issues a heartfelt apology on behalf of everyone. Kruger then sues the State and wins record damages of $346 million.

It's assumed that he lives happily ever after and no-one makes the connection between his release and the disappearance of 546 schoolchildren over the next three weeks

dummy_half wrote:

MediaCat wrote:
In "12 Angry Men" they wrapped it up with a majority decision in about 5 minutes and no one was angry.

Or Lee J Cobb persuades Henry Fonda to stop being a liberal pu$$y and accept that the kid was bang to rights. (Would be a pity, as it is my all time favourite film).

Airplane - Stryker can't get a ticket for the flight, so just returns to his taxi, apologises to the passenger and drives him to his destination. He later hears of a catastrophic plane crash with no survivors.

Yes, 12 Angry Men is a great film. Lee J Cobb was brilliant in that film. I particularly liked his acting when he rips up the picture of his son and breaks down, mumbling and sobbing "not guilty" into his clenched fist.

TRUSSMAN66 wrote:Titanic
---------

Probably speaking for a lot of guys that I've probably had to suffer through this movie more times than any movie I like.......

Every month or so I'll venture into the lounge on a saturday night and she'll have this sentimental crud playing whilst watching with her weepy face....


..and every month or so he'll be hanging on to the iceberg and I transport myself on to said Iceberg and slowly place my foot on the top of his head and push him down to the icy depths of the Atlantic never to be seen again...........

Also-

The scene at the end where she's laying on that door and DiCaprio's character, freezing to death, examines the door and says:

"Hang on, there's room on that thing for both of us. Move over, lass!"

Winslet : "But it's more tragically romantic if one of us dies."

DiCaprio : "In that case..."

DiCaprio grabs her by the scruff of the neck and pulls her into the icy sea before climbing onto the door himself. After she drowns from being too posh to ever take swimming lessons at her local baths, a rescue boat appears.

Crewman in Boat : "Oh great, it's DiCaprio. Better make sure he can't go on to plague the world of cinema by making The Man in the Iron Mask!"

Crewman in Boat shoots DiCaprio seventeen times!

DAVE667 wrote:Vampire the Buffet Slayer - Christopher Lee turns up at weddings and eats all the food!

haha

When Regan in the Exorcist starts hammering her personals with the crucifix...

Her Mother says... "that was a present from Auntie don't break it"

Poltergeist - the little girl says "They're here" Mum and dad say, "Who?" and she replies "The TV people"

Cut to the guys from Curry's coming to repossess their 50" plasma for non payment

Amityville Horror - the voice says "get out!" & they sh1t themselves a little bit but sensibly get out.