Random Thoughts.....

This week’s ‘Random Thoughts’ will never truly be considered the best thread in the world until it faces and defeats John Cena at Hell in a Cell.


=====


The RAW opening segment was a crowded affair, with CM Punk, Paul Heyman, Dolph Ziggler, Vickie Guerrero, AJ Lee, Daniel Bryan Danielson and Kane all getting involved. AJ eventually had a meltdown and booked Punk and Ziggler to take on Team Hell No but this confrontation only served to underscore how badly Dolph Ziggler needs a catchphrase; with Kane and DBD shouting “I’m the tag team champions!” and CM Punk hollering “Best in the world!” poor old Dolph had to resort to waving his MITB briefcase around.

I’m guessing it should be something about stealing the show but then again that might confuse people and make them wonder why Dolph is pilfering Paul Wight.


=====


Jim Ross Appreciation Night was rudely interrupted by CM Punk and Paul Heyman before Good Ol’ JR had a chance to talk about hellacious slobberknockers or fruity Skittles; I’m reliably informed that BAH GAWD they’re fruity.

Punk told Jim Ross that he was the best announcer WWE had and that he respected him. In return, the WWE Champion wanted JR to tell everybody that CM Punk is the best in the world. Ross replied that he couldn’t do that until Punk had defeated John Cena inside Hell in a Cell. Punk got upset and knocked JR’s Black Resistol Hat ™ right off his head before making the Hall of Famer leave the ring like a scolded dog. Ryberg came out and escorted Jim Ross back into the ring before having a staredown with CM Punk, as the crowd chanted “We want Head!” or something like that. Punk bailed.

So it appears that WWE are heading down the route of CM Punk versus Ryberg for some time in the future. Joy. Personally I was hoping they’d just have Punk keep beating John Cena yet still have randomers come out and say that Punk wasn’t the best in the world.

“Punk, if you beat John Cena at Bragging Rights, then you can call yourself the best in the world!”

“But I’ve already beaten him 739 times in a row in every conceivable match there is!”

“....... Yeah...... but..... but beating him at Bragging Rights is the truest measure of who the best in the world is!”

“WE DON’T EVEN HAVE BRAGGING RIGHTS ON THE PAY PER VIEW SCHEDULE ANYMORE!”

That stuff would draw.


=====


Due to her actions over the past few weeks, the WWE Board of Directors decided that RAW General Manager AJ Lee needed an Executive Coach to train her in the ways of the Dark Side. The man chosen for this role was some guy called Christopher J. Stephenson, who in reality is probably on the WWE payroll in their legal department or something.

Anyway, this guy was woeful. I mean really woeful. He made Linda McMahon look like Meryl f***ing Streep, he was that bad. Every segment he was in ended with him and whoever else was in the shot staring at each other awkwardly for about 30 seconds. And his facial expression never changed. When he got introduced to AJ Lee, it looked like he’d followed through. Whatever he was supposed to be feeling after the AJ / Kaitlyn encounter looked like he’d followed through. When AJ said he was intimidated he looked like he’d followed through.

If WWE are going to pad out their 3 hour RAW with crappy backstage segments featuring non-wrestlers then at least get a decent actor / actress to play the roles, rather than Dick from Accounts or Jemima from the ring crew. I’d rather watch 3 hours of Ryback than have to sit through another performance like Christopher J. Stephenson’s.

And I f***ing hate Ryback.


=====


Smackdown’s General President Talent Manager Executive of Vice Relations Booker T set up a debate this week on RAW. World Heavyweight Champion Shamoose and the number one contender to his title Big Show discussed various topics from whether or not federal states are better than unitary nations to whether self determination of peoples is a human right. If only they’d discussed these issues instead of the gubbins we were forced to endure. The whole debate was cringe worthy to say the least, the only humour that could be garnered from it was Big Show leaning slightly on his podium causing it to implode and then inadvertently calling himself overweight.

This segment again highlighted where WWE are going wrong with Shamoose. Instead of being a badass whose promos occasionally stray into humour (like Steve Austin for example) they’re turning him into the world’s palest stand up comic - and a godawful one at that. Rey Mysterio O’ Sullivan? Who in the name of Chuck Palumbo thought that was funny?

And was it just me or was Shamoose harder to understand than usual? It’s almost like his lisp had combined forces with Dusty Rhodes and Jack Swagger’s to form an über lisp:

“THTH THTHTH Show, THTH TH THTHTH! Haha! TH THTHTHTH THTH THTH THTH TH! Fella”

Or words to that effect.


=====


The rematch of the match that nobody wanted to see - Ryberg versus Tensai – took place on RAW. The highlight of this encounter was the botched Shellshock, where Goldback tried and failed to lift the former A-Hole.... sorry Train for his finisher. Apparently they botched the finish on last week’s Smackdown too so it looks like Ryberg is doing his utmost to kill his own push. Shame that.

Yes, the badass wrecking machine whose whole gimmick is based on power couldn’t lift a fatty up for his finisher. What’s the bets WWE keep Ryberg away from the big men for the time being? You know, just so we can forget all about that pesky little embarrassing incident on RAW.

***Smackdown Spoiler Alert*** Just read the Smackdown spoilers for this week and guess who Goldback is facing? Primo.

Nuff said.


=====


‘The Woman of 1000 Holds’ Kelly Kelly has been released from WWE. And this week’s RAW - the first since she left - ended up with the lowest ratings of the year. Coincidence?

Yeah.


=====


John Cena’s new t-shirt bears the slogan ‘Rise Above Cancer’.

We all know what this means: Kane’s going to embark on an ‘Embrace the Cancer’ campaign against Jumpin’ John.


=====


Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Sting opened up this week’s (Jefferson) Impact. Hogan wanted to talk about some stuff – like there being 3 stinking weeks till Bound for Glory. I have no idea what a stinking week is either, let alone 3 of the blighters – and Sting treated us to a rendition of ‘Fields of Gold’. Actually, he didn’t. But he should have.

Anyhoo, Sting came out to the shock of absolutely nobody except Hogan and Mike Tenay. The Taz may have been shocked but I don’t speak Spanish so I wouldn’t know. Hogan exclaimed he was only borrowing Sting’s baseball bat, to which Sting replied “My bat is your bat” which may have had sexual connotations. He then told Hogan that he wanted to go with him to Aces & Eights’ Wendy House to free Joseph Park / Parks into the wild.

Later on backstage, Hogan and Sting were jumped by Aces & Eights after being maced in the face by some random chick. It looked suspiciously like Anneka Rice but I’ll get back to you on that once I’ve checked with my sources. The New Blade Runners were tied up and taken to the Wendy House, where the Executive Vice President of Aces and Eights (who’ll lose all his responsibilities to Triple H soon enough) told them what they wanted: A tag team match at Bound for Glory. Two of their guys versus two TNA guys. Apparently Teddy Long’s behind this faction. If Aces & Eights win they get “full access” to TNA: a Wendy House in the (Jefferson) Impact Zone, freedom to come and go as they please, ‘special’ favours from Al Snow – you know, the usual stuff. If TNA win, Aces & Eights will be banished for all eternity to the plains of Siberia. Probably.

Despite being told he’d have to watch at Bound for Glory, Hogan twice volunteered himself and Sting for the match. This resulted in him being doused in acid, causing the Hulkster to melt into a pool of steroids, hair bleach and bandanas. Not really, it was only water he had thrown at him. My idea was better though.

Hogan and Sting were eventually released back at the (Jefferson) Impact Zone but Joseph Park / Parks was kept as an insurance policy by Aces & Eights. Sting shouted that he was bringing somebody with him to Bound for Glory. We know Sting, it is a TAG MATCH PLAYA! after all. (Jefferson) Impact went off the air with Hogan telling Sting to untie him. Apparently the ‘Power of Hulkamania’ is unable to break through ropes.

Who could Sting be bringing to Bound for Glory? There are only two possible options for me: WORYAH! or else Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland. Anything else would be a major letdown.


=====


The number one contender to the TNA World Heavyweight Championship Jeffrey Nero Hardy teamed up with the TNA World Heavyweight Champion Austin Chauncy Aries against Bobby Evelyn Roode and Bully Verity Ray in a TAG MATCH PLAYA!

Hardy and Aries picked up the win after Jeff tagged himself in and hit a Swanton Bomb, despite Aries looking like he had the match won when he hit Bobby Roode with Tully Blanchard.... hold on a sec...... I’ve just been told through my codpiece..... sorry earpiece that Aries levelled Roode with the Brainbuster wrestling move and not with one of the former WWF tag team champions. Fair enough, but I reckon that Aries knocking people out by swinging Tully Blanchard or Arn Anderson around his head would be MUCH better.

Aries and Hardy had a confrontation after the match, the champ annoyed that his pin-fall had been stolen. This whole feud has been based around Aries wanting what Hardy has and proving he can do what Jeff’s done, only better. He’s got a hell of an act to follow. I mean we all saw the master class Jeff put on at Victory Road 2011.

On the bright side though, an off his face Austin Aries versus his ‘Greatest Man Alive’ cape should be infinitely better than Jeff Hardy versus his t-shirt from last year. Actually, an off his face Austin Aries versus his cape would probably be better than Aries versus Hardy.


=====


The James Storm / Bobby Roome (well that’s what Hulk Hogan called him) feud appears to be heading to its natural conclusion at Bound for Glory. The Unanonymous TNA General Manager decreed that they would face off at the biggest party of the autumn in a Street Fight!

Obviously, a year long feud culminating in all out war at the number one paper view of the year between two of TNA’s top stars who have a shared history isn’t a big enough selling point so Hogan announced that there would be a special enforcer for this contest. When he said “The Master of Disaster” I excitedly thought to myself “He’s only gone and got Apollo f***ing Creed!” but it turns out it’s some jobber called King Mo instead. The (Jefferson) Impact Zone went completely mild at this revelation, whilst I threw my cat at the telly in total disgust.

Storm – Roome – Mo: The tag line says it all.

What it says, I haven’t the foggiest but it says it ALL.


======


Hulk Hogan had the unenviable task of replacing Devon as TNA Television Champion this week on (Jefferson) Impact. He had to whittle down the four candidates – Samoa Joe, Mr. Anderson, Garrett Bischoff and Magnus – to a final two that would then go on to face each other in a match to determine the Ultimate Grand High Overlord of Television. Or something like that. Magnus was eliminated early after it was discovered he can’t operate doors – which is a prerequisite for all champions – and Garrett was eliminated later on for being a douche.

In the decider, Samoa Joe picked up his biggest win ever by making Mr. Anderson submit to a cuddle. This means that Joe is the third man in TNA history to win the Grand Slam – World title, X Division title, Tag titles and Legends / Global / Television title.

As if anybody cares.


=====


Participants from the 3 teams who’ll face off at Bound for Glory for the World Tag Team Championships of the World were involved in a triple threat match on (Jefferson) Impact. Christopher Daniels (representing Kazaniels), Kurt Angle (representing Stangle) and Chavo Guerrero (representing Guerrnandez) took to the squared circle to gain bragging rights for their team. Daniels picked up the win after pinning Guerrero, with Angle unable to break up the pin despite only being approximately 30 centimetres away.

What I want to know is this: Is Chavo Guerrero good for anything these days other than eliciting “Eddie” chants?

No? Oh right, carry on.


=====


This month’s Gut Check contestant was plucky 18 year old Evan Markopolous. Last week the plucky 18 year old had a match with Doug Williams where he tapped out to an Anaconda Vice before the hold had even been applied. This week the plucky 18 year old had to convince the judges Bruce Pritchard, Al Snow and Len Goodman that he deserved a shot in TNA.

Len Goodman liked the fact that Evan was 18 and plucky, so he said “SEVEN!” Bruce Pritchard liked the fact that Evan was plucky but didn’t like the fact that Evan was 18 so he said no. Jeremy Borash then gave Evan a chance to convince Al Snow to say yes.

Evan told everyone that he’d gotten his ass kicked getting this far and he’d keep getting his ass kicked to make it to the top in TNA. The (Jefferson) Impact Zone obviously likes watching plucky youngsters get their asses kicked because they went banana at Evan’s statement. I didn’t manage to catch what Al Snow’s exact response was, but it was something along the lines of liking the fact that when Evan was 13 he defeated Killer Kowalski, which apparently took a lot of pluck. Despite Evan being pluckier now than he was 5 years ago, Al Snow said no to Markopolous’ chance of a TNA contract.

So long Evan Markopolous, don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. It’s probably just Magnus trying to figure out how the damn thing works anyway.


=====


Ric Flair has found himself a new love interest. Aw bless! The 16 time divorcee has seemingly hooked up with the former Fifi the Maid who appeared on Ric’s talk show ‘Flair for the Gold’ back in the early 90’s in WCW – think Piper’s Pit only with less people tuning in. Anyway, it just goes to show how far the NAITCHA BWAAAAH!’s star has fallen when he has to start dating his former on-air associates.

I bet Arn Anderson is furious he didn’t get the gig.


=====

"And his facial expression never changed. When he got introduced to AJ Lee, it looked like he’d followed through."

Lucky I'm sat on my own right now, so I can laugh out loud

Was Magnus not opening the door a botch, i thought it was hilarious!!!

"This week’s ‘Random Thoughts’ will never truly be considered the best thread in the world until it faces and defeats John Cena at Hell in a Cell."

That had me cracking up from the off, well played again mate brilliant as always

Awesome Random Thoughts

Hogan exclaimed he was only borrowing Sting’s baseball bat, to which Sting replied “My bat is your bat” which may have had sexual connotations.

Funniest bit for me

This resulted in him being doused in acid, causing the Hulkster to melt into a pool of steroids, hair bleach and bandanas. Not really, it was only water he had thrown at him. My idea was better though.

Damn right your idea was better! My favourite bit!

this confrontation only served to underscore how badly Dolph Ziggler needs a catchphrase; with Kane and DBD shouting “I’m the tag team champions!” and CM Punk hollering “Best in the world!” poor old Dolph had to resort to waving his MITB briefcase around.

I'd already read this, but when I watched Raw last night, and saw this unfold, I was in hysterics