Golf humour

Folks, I have written a book and am quite proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 40+ years of golfing experience.  

Highlights  include:

Chapter 1)  How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3)  How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 4)  When to Give the Curator the Finger

Chapter 5)  Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 am

Chapter 6)  How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7)  How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 8)  How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

Chapter 9)  When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The  book also includes some GOLF TERMINOLOGY

Ø        A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

Ø        A Diego Maradonna  - a nasty 5 footer

Ø        A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

Ø        A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

Ø        A Cuban - needs one more revolution

Ø        An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

Ø        An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

Ø        A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

Ø        A Kate Moss - bit thin

Ø        A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

Ø        A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole

Ø        A Rodney King - over clubbed

Ø        An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

Ø        A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

Ø        A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

Ø        A Lady boy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

Ø        An Elephant's arse - high and Poopie

Ø        A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good

Ø        A Sister-in-law – you’re up there but you know you shouldn't be

I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out!

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise

Remarkably similar to a book I read about 10 years ago inco  

You've forgotten...

Saddam Hussein
Kate Winslett
Sally Gunnell
Russell Grant
Douglas Bader
Vinnie Jones

There are a load of others. Click here for example But the one that made me laugh was a "David Beckham" - when you chose the wrong club.

I don't get that, given that Beckham played for Man Utd and Real Madrid in his prime then AC and PSG in his later years it would seem like he often played for the right club. Even with his galaxy stint he had a good career.

I hate to be a pooper but I really don't find golf jokes funny. And this one doesn't even make sense anymore.

"a Bin Laden

When you hit a golf shot that is driven out of bounds and never to be found again."

McLaren wrote:I hate to be a pooper but I really don't find golf jokes funny.

No sh!t Sherlock

Must confess I hadn't heard the "David Beckham" before but like INW I found it pretty funny too

McLaren wrote:I hate to be a pooper but I really don't find golf jokes funny.  And this one doesn't even make sense anymore.

"a Bin Laden

When you hit a golf shot that is driven out of bounds and never to be found again."

or maybe "buried at sea".

the Paris Hilton one was pretty funny, eh Mac?

No.

The David Beckham one, does not make much sense, when did he choose the wrong club?

and why is Paris Hilton an expensive hole? I would understand it if it was Sophie Anderton, an ex model who took up whoring. 15k a pop! That is a very expensive hole!

beninho wrote:The David Beckham one, does not make much sense, when did he choose the wrong club?

Over-analyzing jokes is never a good thing. Accept it for what it is. If you want to analyze it, look at it from the point of view of anyone but a ManUre fan. Or if you ARE a ManUre fan, take solace in the fact that non fans consider your club unworthy of a player like him but he chose them anyway

Or better still just don't analyze it at all. Much easier that way. I suppose the Sally Gunnell joke isn't funny to those who don't think she's ugly either. Or Maradonna when he isn't really 5 foot at all. Get over it

FEDEXed- Air Mailed a green.

Thurman Munson - A Dead Yank  (for the Baseball Fans)  Perhaps a little dated.

A Robert Allenby - The round you forgot all about.

I'm never wrong wrote:There are a load of others. Click here for example But the one that made me laugh was a "David Beckham" - when you chose the wrong club.

That link is shocking. I'm finding difficult to understand how someone could sit down and spend time trying to invent so many unfunny gags, and then put them on a website.

Linda Ronstadt? Therman Munsun - what kind of shot is a dead yank anyway?

I'll have a go and make up my own...

An Adebayor: when you can't decide what club to pick
An Aaron Ramsey: a putt with a double break
A John Terry: when you play all your friends' holes
A Nick Clegg: a shot that leans both ways
A Sczesny: when you smoke one down the middle after a bad result on the previous hole
A Jamie Oliver: a golf shot that cooks you breakfast in a mockney accent.

any suggestions?

Might as well up the ante as I am pretty bored;

A Madeleine McCann - When you keep looking but everyone else knows its lost.

an MH370 - when it's lost and you're looking in the wrong place

A ukip. When it's to far right.
A George Michael if it's to high.

Emma Watson . Looked promising early.

The Emma Watson is PERFECT

I confess I half laughed and half grimaced at the McCann one though - far too un-PC for Mac I think

Davie, glad you liked it.

A Jason Dufner - when your score is better than deserved

Laughing at it and liking it are two different things Mac. I have laughed at far worse things than that but doesn't make them right

A Shane Lowry - Always hits it fat.

Anyone had a choirboy round?
Nothing dropped!

A Dustin - signing for a wrong score

Golf humour?

Mac and Super walk into a bar...

Super asks for a black russian

Mac storms out in disgust at Super's racism.

OK not golf.

Or humour.

Super probably stands outside bars anyway, as it is easier to get served from so far away.

I have to add, a Harrison Ford - A very low flight but still managed to hit the fairway.

A group of golfers, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses all had big breasts and wore very short mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfers once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the golfers again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the golfers discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the golfers discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

incontinentia wrote:

McLaren wrote:I hate to be a pooper but I really don't find golf jokes funny.  And this one doesn't even make sense anymore.

"a Bin Laden

When you hit a golf shot that is driven out of bounds and never to be found again."

or maybe "buried at sea".

the Paris Hilton one was pretty funny, eh Mac?

Had me in stitches. Good one

Weatherspoon in Uxbridge is pretty grim. Though it has cheap beer.

BlueCoverman wrote:A group of golfers, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses all had big breasts and wore very short mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfers once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the golfers again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the golfers discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the golfers discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

I didn't realise you were head of marketing at Wetherspoon's Blue?

Probably wouldn't be able to spend as much time on the golf course if I was Ray!

Feel free to choose your own group, establishment and location for the purposes of the joke of course!

Have I posted this one before?

A couple were invited to play a friendly golf tournament at a new course for them. In the competition they were drawn against a very charming and helpful couple who assisted them in navigating them around the course. The competition was alternate shot matchplay.

Come the 8th hole, the visiting lady of the partnership drove, and hit a wild slice off into the rough. However, on When both groups got to the where they thought the ball was, they found it was lying nicely on a rogue piece of smooth grass.
The male prepared to play his shot when his noticed that his route to the green was blocked by a greenkeepers hut some way ahead of him, in direct line with the green. Disheartened, he prepared to chip the ball out sideways.

His generous opponent suggested that there was an alternative.
"Send your wife to the hut. It has barn doors front and back. They're not locked, and if you hit a low punch shot you might be able to play it through the hut."

So the man sent his wife off, and true enough, the doors were not locked. His wife opened the doors and stood to one side.
The male hit an almost perfect shot. It was - as demanded - a low punch shot, but the ball rose just a little too high and hit the lintel of the doors, bounced back and struck his wife on the head killing her instantly.


The male returns to the course several years later to see if he can get over the incident. On the 8th tee, he stands there addressing the ball. He is obviously nervous, and shaking like a leaf. His playing partners, not aware of the previous incident, ask him if he is OK. The man replies "Not really. I have bad memories of this hole"
Concerned, his playing partners ask what happened. The man replies "Oh, it was so bad. The last time I played this hole I scored a nine."

Coming up next.... the joke about the funeral cortege passing the golf course.

This one is a true story...

A few years ago, I was volunteered to referee the second 18 holes of the club knock out final. The two protagonists were close friends, who were foursomes and fourball partners. There was never likely to be any disagreement between these two, so a ref was probably not required, but I was happy to do it because I liked both of them, and having a ref walking round probably made it a bit more special for the pair of them.

So, a titanic struggle ensued. On the 29th, at a critical point in the game, they both hit approach shots from far enough away from the green that they couldn't see where their balls ended up. I watched from further up the fairway, and I saw one ball finish right in the middle of the green, and the other one bounced off into a bunker. As they approached the green, one of them came over to me and asked "is that my friend in the bunker, or is the bast*** on the green?"

A lady golfer walks into the pro shop and the pro asks her how she played. The lady says "I played great, even though I was stung by a bee between the first and second holes". The pro says "I told you your stance was too wide".

incontinentia wrote:A lady golfer walks into the pro shop and the pro asks her how she played. The lady says "I played great, even though I was stung by a bee between the first and second holes". The pro says "I told you your stance was too wide".