Golf...without golf clubs...what do you choose?

OK, here’s one to think about, a bit of fun on a slow, slow day in the office.

In Tin Cup, Roy McAvoy plays a round of golf with, if I remember correctly; a rake, a shovel, a hoe and a Louisville Slugger.

So my imaginary scenario is this;

We are all entered into the 606v2 Golf forum Open Championship, but no-one will be allowed to use golf clubs. You are, however, permitted to use a regulation golf ball of your choice. You are allowed to have 4 items in your bag, none of which can be in any way related to golf. However, 2 of them may be related to other sports. The other 2 must come from other sources - household, work, the car etc etc. Note that, for tee shots and fairway lies, you are permitted to toss the ball into the air prior to striking it. For rough and bunkers, you must hit it from the ground, but you are permitted to “flick” the ball, even with the hitting object touching the ball prior to the stroke. Putting must be a clean-stroke with the ball on the ground.

What 4 items do you have in your bag, and how would you use them to get around the course?

I’ll start.

Driving and general long shots – can’t decide between a tennis racquet and a cricket bat. The racquet will probably hit it further, but probably with less accuracy. But will the strings last? MMMMmmm, it’s a tough one. I have decided on the tennis racquet, striking the ball after throwing it in the air.

Short approaches – again, this stroke would have to be played mid-air, but with a feel shot like this, I want something light with good handling characteristics. I’m tempted to say frying pan but I don’t think that’s going to have the feel, the face will be a little “dead”. Instead, but in a similar vein, I’m going to use my wooden chopping board. The one in question is round, about 10” across, with a chucky handle. I think this is the perfect instrument for those delicate short approach shots, giving maximum feel and maybe even imparting a bit of spin.

Chipping and bunkers – I think a hand-trowel would be suitable here, with the “flick” being the action of choice. The curved face would mean it would be simple to “gather” the ball onto the trowel and as the trowel is small and light, it would allow a good positive flick of the wrist. Either that or some sort of wooden spoon.

Putting – I think there’s no better option here than a pool cue. The stroke can be made by lying on the ground behind the ball and playing the stroke much like you would on a pool table

So what are you carrying in your bag? And what score would you expect to make? I honestly think that with the above equipment, on an average parkland course of say 6800 yards, i'd expect to be under 100, if not under 90.

Tennis racket.....Driving
Shinty Stick........Around the green and putting
Half Moon [lawn edger]..... Bunkers and rough
Bottle of Black Bottle whisky...To sip whilst awaiting my trophy presentation.

Doon the Water wrote:Bottle of Black Bottle whisky...To sip whilst awaiting my trophy presentation.

I love the confidence...and you're apparently winning it with just 3 "clubs"!

If you've ever tried hitting a golf ball with anything other than golf clubs, it's pretty hard to get any real distance.

I'd say your sub 100 score is pretty optimistic if you have to carry the ball further than 60 yards at any point, to clear lakes or bushes or trees.

Ha ha, i've just googled that half-moon thing. That would indeed be very useful in the rough and bunkers! Good thinking!

George1507 wrote:If you've ever tried hitting a golf ball with anything other than golf clubs, it's pretty hard to get any real distance.

I'd say your sub 100 score is pretty optimistic if you have to carry the ball further than 60 yards at any point, to clear lakes or bushes or trees.

I think you are wildly underestimating how far you could hit a golf ball with a decent tennis raquet! Easy 200 with a decent strike. I know, because i've done it I'd be pretty close to being able to throw it 60 yards!

Id use a ground to air missile launcher for all shots. Might leave some nasty pitch marks though.

TEB
That's why I included the whisky.
Bye the way I have patented the use of a half moon for golfing purposes for myself only.

You could get a golf ball on the end of a fishing rod a serious distance. Easy in excess of 150 yards

Actually on the greens Id use a belly putter.

Diggers wrote:Id use a ground to air missile launcher for all shots. Might leave some nasty pitch marks though.

Yes, that would be useful on those tricky 1,760,00 yard par 15,000 holes.

wow just realised that tin cups name is so siimilar to rorys- simple things i guess.

Driving/fairway wood replacement

One of those catapults that launch aircraft from aircraft carriers, although I fear the ball might go too far. Would probably need a few caddies to carry the thing around, or shock horror I might have to use a cart to move it.

Irons

Assuming I am within 5 miles of the hole after using the catapult this will require something with a little more refinement. Actually the use of animals has not been ruled out and I already play with a cat in my bag so I will use the cat. It could be easily trained to pick up the ball and take it to the green.

Chipping/pitiching

If the cat has been a little idiot or lost interest and dropped the ball away from the green I am thinking one of those girls you see shooting ping pong balls from orifices would do the trick.

Incidentally the lower my GIR the more chance the cat is launched into the next county.

Putting

It will have to be a grenade thrown into the cup. After that blows the chances are my ball will be somewhere in the newly expanded hole.

Tiger Woods head on a stick would be excellent, it's very wooden and has a great big open space inside so there would be a good "trampoline" effect when the ball connects with the forehead

McLaren wrote:Driving/fairway wood replacement

One of those catapults that launch aircraft from aircraft carriers, although I fear the ball might go too far. Would probably need a few caddies to carry the thing around, or shock horror I might have to use a cart to move it.

Irons

Assuming I am within 5 miles of the hole after using the catapult this will require something with a little more refinement. Actually the use of animals has not been ruled out and I already play with a cat in my bag so I will use the cat. It could be easily trained to pick up the ball and take it to the green.

Chipping/pitiching

If the cat has been a little idiot or lost interest and dropped the ball away from the green I am thinking one of those girls you see shooting ping pong balls from orifices would do the trick.

Incidentally the lower my GIR the more chance the cat is launched into the next county.

Putting

It will have to be a grenade thrown into the cup. After that blows the chances are my ball will be somewhere in the newly expanded hole.

Very good McLaren, that made me laugh!

How about a trebuchet for driving. Easily pushed along or pulled along with several caddies !?

McLaren wrote:
Chipping/pitiching

If the cat has been a little idiot or lost interest and dropped the ball away from the green I am thinking one of those girls you see shooting ping pong balls from orifices would do the trick.

This is as ingenious as it is disturbing.

So far in this competition, we've got a cat, some gardening equipment, fishing tackle, Tiger Woods(?!?), live explosives, a woman of ill-repute, a medieval catapult, an aircraft carrier...and a man who's so confident of winning he's started on the booze already.

It could be a long round.

it would be interseting to use live explosives to get a ball around a golf hole. i like the sound of that. Its what worms golf should have been

TEB

You are disqualified before we even start, you should know by now that you are not allowed a putting stroke that lines you up along the line of the putt, a la croquet style

Instead of using a tennis racket for driving and fairway shots i would use a squash racket - the strings are finer and closer together so i reckone this would be more acurate.

Perhaps I should have kept my secret and turned up at the 1st Annual 606 Golf Forum Non-Conforming Golf Clubs Golf Challenge and unveiled it then.

drive4show wrote:TEB

You are disqualified before we even start, you should know by now that you are not allowed a putting stroke that lines you up along the line of the putt, a la croquet style

Oh my goodness. I'm in danger of not being able to play in my own tournament...i'm Tiger Woods! Can i have an exemption please d4s?

theeldestboy wrote:

drive4show wrote:TEB

You are disqualified before we even start, you should know by now that you are not allowed a putting stroke that lines you up along the line of the putt, a la croquet style

Oh my goodness. I'm in danger of not being able to play in my own tournament...i'm Tiger Woods! Can i have an exemption please d4s?

Oh go on then, as tournament host I suppose you should get special dispensation

If you are Tiger Woods then you must have a little black book full of girls who are expert at the ping pong ball trick!...

Thankyou D4S for granting me access to this prestigious tournament. However, i don't think i'm in with a shout of winning.

When McLaren turns up with his aircraft carrier, and Diggers with his ground-air missile launcher, i'm going to feel like a bit of a Holly Wilaboobie with my garden hand-trowel

Ha ha, i didn't realise the system automatically replaced profanaties with it's own version. Holly Wilaboobie...the original word used the initials from Trotters Independant Traders!