Why Your Team Sucks NFC North

Chicago

Your quarterback: Guess who's scheduled to be an unrestricted free agent after this season? The Bears now face the dilemma of either grossly overpaying for a guy who, on an annual basis, turns the ball over about as often as he throws for a touchdown, or letting Jay Cutler walk and starting all over again. If you're familiar with this team's history of quarterbacking, you know what a terrifying prospect that is. Cutler isn't getting any better. Also, you could drop a baby in front of him and he wouldn't give a Poopie. But it's either that or the prospect of Moses Moreno II; a loveless marriage is just about the best option for Chicago at this point. Once Cutler is gone, this franchise will plummet down into a vodka-addled hole from which it will take decades to recover.

Detroit

Your 2012 record: 4-12. And that's no ordinary 4-12 season for the Lions. This was a team that went 10-6 in 2011 before getting torched by the Saints in the playoffs. There was the illusion that this team had actually BUILT something, that they would be able to remain consistently successful, perhaps even, you know, improve. But not only did they go 4-12, they went 4-12 without anything catastrophic happening. Matt Stafford played the whole season. Megatron played the whole season. The core of young talent they assembled remained intact and just SUCKED. Even when the Lions do everything right, they still do nothing right. You could clone the 49ers and their coaching staff, put them in Lions uniforms, and they would still go 4-12. There is some kind of cosmic suck cloud that has enveloped them, that overtakes anything it comes into contact with.

Your coach: Jim Schwartz. If there is an obscure rule out there that can hurt your team, you can rest assured that Jim Schwartz will find a way to be victimized by it. Jim Schwartz has taken a fairly talented roster and added nothing to it. I think his boilerplate pregame speech is, "Guys, go out there and, like, do your thing."

It's as if they studied game tape of all the ways the Raiders lose and put them into practice. The Lions commit 80 penalties a game and NEVER run the ball. You will find more discipline in the Detroit mayor's office than at a Lions home game. What hope do the Lions have when Jim Harbaugh blows right through your coach on your home field?

Green Bay

Your 2012 record: 11-5. Hmm. I can’t seem to remember how their season ended. Oh wait!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The Packers have won 26 games in the past two seasons, and in both of those seasons, all of those wins were negated INSTANTLY by a historically pathetic defensive showing in the playoffs. It’s as if those 26 victories were all for nothing. Hollow. Meaningless. How marvelous.


Minnesota

Your coach: Leslie Frazier. Adrian Peterson ran the ball 348 times last season after having his knee blown apart. Frankly, I HOPE the Frak was on PEDs, because if he isn’t mainlining stem cells from panda fetuses, his lower body will liquefy by Week 2.

The Vikings’ offensive coordinator is Bill Musgrave. Here now is Bill Musgrave’s playbook in its entirety:
1. Cutback run
2. Hey, that worked good! Do that again!
3. Pass-type thing

You never want them to run “Pass-type thing,” especially on first down. Whenever this team passes on first down, a puppy is killed by God. Bill Musgrave killed a LOT of puppies needlessly last season.

Its hard to judge Cutler objectively. The Bears O line has been poor for the last few seasons, he doesn't always get the protection he needs. That said the O line looks stronger this season so lets see how he goes. One thing I do agree on, is he doesn't justify a big pay deal yet.