Why Your Team Sucks AFC South

AFC South edition of Deadspin's annual team ripping.

Houston
Your coach: Gary Kubiak, who always makes sure to tip his hairdresser a little something extra any time she gives him the "Full Saban." Now flip up that microphone so you can do some real face-to-face yellin', Coach! It's the modern-day coaching equivalent of putting your sunglasses on top of your head. YOU MUST RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF MY HEADSET.

Indianapolis
Your coach: Chuck Pagano, who will actually have to get out there and COACH this year. No more free rides for you, mister! You can't just go coasting along on #CHUCKSTRENGTH this time around. You get one uplifting cancer season and that's it. America won't tolerate a rerun. It's altogether possible that Chuck Pagano is a terrible head coach and you won't know it for certain until this season. And man, that'll be an awkward moment.

Londo.... I mean Jacksonville
Your quarterback: It's still Blaine Gabbert! Oh my God, that is so depressing. There are few things more dispiriting than an NFL team that can't bring itself to cut its losses with a Poopie quarterback. Blaine Gabbert couldn't throw a beach ball to a six-armed man.

Tennessee
Why your team sucks: Let's talk about Bud Adams for a moment, because Bud Adams doesn't get nearly enough credit for being a horrible, Poopie old man. At least Leon Hess had the courtesy to die. Titans fans get no such comfort. Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones have hogged the "meddlesome owner" spotlight for so long that it's easy to overlook ol' Bud, who interferes in far more of his team's business than a living cadaver ought to. You never want to see your team run by a dude who looks like a 15-term senator who bangs the help.

Why your team doesn't suck: Bernard Pollard is here! Always fun to watch Bernard ruin the career of someone more talented than he is. Watch your knees, Andy Luck!