Monday Night Raw - "And it's live!"

I'm not even sorry.

I've decided to narrate Raw as it happens, as long as I stay awake in my alcoholic, not working tomorrow state.

(Nobody mention Progress, I'm avoiding spoilers)

P.S. I've been drinking since 9:30am and I'm now on Dark Rum because my wife and kids are on holiday. Don't expect this every week

Starts with a memorial day video with (I think) John Cena's voice.

Actual show starts with Miz and Maryse.

Best heels on Raw.

Looks like MizTV.

Miz reiterating the fact that he can win the IC Title (a 7th time) by DQ on Sunday. His guests are Sheamus and Cesaro.

(I smell a 6 man tag coming)

Sheamus and Cesaro (Shesaro?) have cool matching jackets.

I swear Miz nearly got the PPV name wrong.

Oh look Dean Ambrose has interrupted. He has a microphone. Calls Miz/Sheamus/Cesaro "buttheads" (hello PG)

Miz mentions their 3 on 1 advantage. Gee, I wonder if...

The Hardy Boyz music hits! It's a 3 on 3 fight!

Hardyz and Ambrose clear the ring! Shesarmiz pause on the outside as the commercial break happens.

As we return from commercial, it seems Raw GM Kurt Angle has made an impromptu 6 man tag match which is already underway.

I, for one, am shocked.

Hardyz and Ambrose win after a Matt Twist of Fate and a Jeff Swanton on Miz.

Jeff's timing on tucking his head for the Swanton is still impeccable.

Corey Graves just left commentary mid conversation

5 way elimination match advertised for the Smackdown women's title number one contendership tomorrow night.

Kurt Angle and Corey Graves backstage. Kurt reading messages. Corey grassing that someone is criticising him. Corey sucking up to Angle. Angle looks upset.

Elias Samson playing his guitar and singing live in the ring. Sings about being on Raw. Would get a buzzer on BGT as no real singing voice.

Samson facing a local jobber (Zack Evans I think his name is)

Samson hits a clothesline that makes Booker T grunt like yer da on the school run in approval.

Samson wins easily.

Corey Graves is back. Dodges Michael Cole's questioning.

Bray v Joe v Finn is next, and inexplicably not the main event.

Samoa Joe interviewed backstage. Says he's analysing weaknesses of Finn. Calls Finn the devil he knows. Starts talking about Bray but the screen is interrupted. Bray appears in a dark room and says he's the devil Joe doesn't know.

Joe watches live on a TV. Bray is the eater of worlds. Joe looks angry.

If we took Rollins and Reigns out of the #1 contenders match it'd be the nuts.

So many ad breaks. They make ITV's football coverage seem uninterrupted.

Finn v Joe v Bray thrown away on Raw could be outstanding

Another ad break mid match ruining the flow of what was turning into a very good match. Give these three centre stage on a PPV and it will be money.

Joe and Bray double teaming Finn, until the inevitable double cross happens by Bray on Joe

This match is very good. As you'd expect.

Finn hit Coup De Grace on Bray, Joe threw Finn out of the ring and pinned Bray for the win!

Rollins interview. Mentions Joe. Talks about the history with Reigns. Says he owns Reigns. He's gonna win on Sunday, so he says.

Sasha Banks and Rich Swann v Alicia Fox and Noam Dar confirmed for Extreme Rules, Swann v Dar next which could, I repeat, COULD be good if given enough time.

I don't know if it's the rum talking but I'm enjoying this show, ad breaks aside.

Corey comparing Dar and Fox to Kim and Kanye, Jay-Z and Beyonce, and Miz and Maryse

Swann wins too quickly, after Sasha Banks stopped Alicia Fox interfering. Hoping it means a Dar and Fox win on Sunday.

Swann convinces Sasha to dance with her in the ring.

An NXT advert on Raw? Madness.

"My guest at this time" The Revival!

Dash still with his jaw wired shut (Dawson doing the talking). They deny attacking Enzo Amore last week. Interviewer (Charley?) shows them footage of them in the background of a Sasha Banks interview last week.

Dawson gets defensive but still denying the attack.

Talking about Kendrick v Tozawa on 205 Live last week

Big Cass is out confronting Corey Graves for insinuating he attacked Enzo. Maybe that's what he said to Angle earlier. I don't know, I've been drinking

Corey managed to calm Cass down despite Cass being 7 foot tall and incapable of learning (shoutout to Tuesday Night Jaw for me stealing their joke)

This stinks of the HHH v HBK feud from 2002 where HBK was attacked in a car park and HHH searched for the attacker before admitting it was him.

Kalisto! Techno Lucha music FTW

Kalisto v Titus incoming. Recap of last week where Apollo Crews lost to Kalisto after Titus barked orders maybe distracting Uhaa Apollo.

Titus says "Make it a win!"

Kalisto is so underutilised it's unreal. Imagine him on NXT or 205.

Titus wins quick with a pin while holding the tights. Apollo criticising Titus for cheating. But Booker T approves which is all that counts. Titus and Apollo do a selfie. Hashtag Titus Brand.

Alexa Bliss is out next to perk me up (which is nice of her)

She's hosting a "Bayley: This is your life" segment which sounds awful. Kendo stick on a pole is already in place. As is a table full of photos and items and three random people.

Alexa mocks Bayley. Says Bayley can't use a weapon.

Alexa talks up the Bayley artifacts. Bayley's first ever doll. She still plays with it apparently. A nice little trophy won for "best in sportsmanship". Bayley's yearbook, most likely to apologise.

The people are, Bayley's 4th grade teacher, Mrs Flapper (if that is your real name) says Bayley was a really nice girl. Always cried when her dad wasn't there. Bayley's ex best friend Tracey. Bayley was so nice. Used to do everyone's homework.

(This segment is weird. There's a chance it isn't happening and I'm hallucinating. Crowd sh*tting all over it.)

Bayley watched WWE instead of hanging out. Alexa criticises the fans for being rude. Last guest is Bayley's ex boyfriend, Phil.

Bayley was very nice. Alexa calls Phil "Philly" and "Big Phil" Bayley apparently brought her dad on dates. Crowd chanting DELETE. Phil tried kissing Bayley but her dad got in the way. Phil says he dated Bayley so he could get close to Bayley's friend Tracey.

Phil and Tracey snog

This is the best and worst segment ever

Bayley comes out, her and Alexa brawl, Bayley looks angry which is good as she usually just smiles despite being treated badly.

Alexa has a kendo stick hidden under the table and hits Bayley literally once across the back.

Someone give Alexa a Slammy for this.

Advert for a new Table For 3, Jim Cornette, Eric Bischoff and Michael Hayes, immediately after Raw on the WWE Network.

Enzo Amore has been attacked backstage a second time in two weeks. Big Cass tells Kurt Angle it's The Revival, Angle says it isn't. Cass isn't happy.

Cruiserweight Tag Team match next

Hype for Aries v Neville in a submission match which could be epic, and the knee injury Aries has. Aries comes out.

Jack Gallagher is here as Aries' partner I see Jack's grin, as if to still be in disbelief he's regularly on Raw which is awesome.

TJP and Neville out after. Pretty sure this exact match already happened last week or so.

Neville taps to Aries in a preview of Extreme Rules, the match was given a decent amount of time which is good. Aries and Gallagher celebrate on the ramp.

Roman Reigns interview NEXT.

Roman Reigns interview NOW (that was a pointless plug)

Reigns doesn't care about the past of him and Rollins. He's the big dog. It's his yard. Although I don't believe he pays tax on that yard.

Charley the interviewer goes all Geoff Shreeves, telling Neville he tapped out before Neville storms off.

Now talking about Goldust turning heel on R-Truth, Booker T still in shock.

Vintage "Shattered Dreams" video for Goldust, he talks about snapping. He's back in the directors chair. (I hope he wears a wig again).

R-Truth knew Goldust was a star but held him back apparently. Goldust as a freak > Stardust as a freak.

Goldust wants an end to this v Truth. The Golden Age is back.

R-Truth video interrupts. He's sat in his own directors chair being himself. Truth says movies gave him inspiration (Shaft, Jules from Pulp Fiction), he does the "great vengeance and furious anger" line.

Main event time!

Sasha Banks on 205 Live tomorrow apparently.

"Roman. Reigns. The man with. The wettest hair."

(Lyrics to his music)

Either Reigns wins clean or it ends with Joe/Finn/Bray turning it into a brawl. I'm sure they'll get 20 mins of a match with ad breaks before the dirty finish though.

Booker compared him and Stevie Ray fighting against each other years ago to Reigns and Rollins now. He tries giving an example story which Cole interrupts unintentionally hilariously

Interesting that Reigns is playing the heel role in the match.

Ad break.

Reigns is being a bully. Definitely suits him better.

Match is very slow, it doesn't need to be so slow especially when its meant to be a sports entertainment show rather than a wrestling show.

Buckle bomb from Rollins immediately followed by a Superman punch from Reigns, described as "incredible" by Cole which I'm not sure about.

Rollins sending Reigns into the steps near the end, match has definitely picked up. Slow build into a good finish.

Extreme Rules this Sunday (don't forget, make sure you don't forget the thing they keep repeating)

Reigns spear for the pin! Squeaky clean in the middle of the ring after countering the rainmaker knee move of Rollins. Commentators call tonight the battle and Sunday is the war. The match turned into a good one.

Reigns celebrates, Rollins recovers, no reappearance from Finn/Joe/Bray.

End of show. Decent show to be fair. Built well for Random Stipulation Extreme Rules.

Brilliant! That was better than Nando posting the actual results.

Also, in the results I read, they said Rollins went for a Curb Stomp?

Best he stops doing the buckle bomb surely

Beer wrote:Brilliant! That was better than Nando posting the actual results.

Also, in the results I read, they said Rollins went for a Curb Stomp?

I don't know, I wasn't paying enough attention

People slating the Alexa Bliss/Bayley segment. It's definitely a must see.

Damn, this was disappointing, logged on and saw the RAW thread had 30 replies, stuck RAW on expecting something major to happen, the only angle we got was Marky's on the Rum

Poor Kayfabe

Kay Fabe wrote:Damn, this was disappointing, logged on and saw the RAW thread had 30 replies, stuck RAW on expecting something major to happen, the only angle we got was Marky's on the Rum

I'm not the only one! Dammm you Marky

If it helps, Smackdown was better.